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i am looking for inspiration from somewhere but im not sure where. i guess i have a lot of friends that have gone through hell and back. i guess a lot of the people i work with... their lives are not so easy - they have to find a way to get home in the middle of the night in dangerous areas... they have less money than i even have right now. i guess it is through those ppl that i will have to find a way to get my inspiration. im trying hard to believe in u God. but i keep wondering why everything seems to keep on coming crashing down. when i pray and tell u im so happy for all that u have given me... it is then taken away - i am starting to lose hope and i really do not want to do that ... i want to believe in God - i want to feel inspired. but the situations around me are causing me to feel very down. the economy sucks. no one has any money. there is nothing left here for us anymore. why dont they want to understand that ? there is really really nothing left for us here anymore.... i keep thinking that there is a such thing as karma - i feel that i must have done something awful to have these series of bad events happen to me.
once i thought that i was in love - the problem is - i can no longer remember if that feeling was a lie or if it was true...
i dont talk to that person anymore. they made a choice. they chose not to stay here. they chose not to be with me . they even went on to choose to never speak to me again and to get engaged.
i learned about the engagement thru a "mutual friend" u could say.... that friend is the reason my heart and body are aching now. one day things were fine. the next they were gone. that is what hurts the most. i spent months depressed.... then i found someone to finally make me happy again but that was apparently doomed.
i never get chosen
i always get lied to
i am never loved
they always choose the other one
i am always left behind...
i am never spoken to
i feel like a stupid piece of meat...
i want to move away and start over. i want to shut down my computer and shut down my cell phone and just start over
with new ppl
a new life. ...
dear God,
i know there has to be something better out there for me ... i really know there has to be .... please please help me find it. i cannot handle this anymore
i am begging u
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Monday, November 24th, 2008
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please god,
i need somebody right now. i am falling so hard. give me my friend back please. give me my life back
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Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
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To be honest I feel totally consumed by loneliness. Even at the busiest parts of the day, even when I have things to get done all I feel is the loneliness. That does not mean that I never laugh anymore, never go out, never eat. No- I happen to do all of those things but they aren't fulfilling to me in the slightest bits. Two things fulfill me - sleeping and crying. It's not like I've lost my mind, i do not wander around crying all day while ppl tell me to pull it together. No it is pretty organized, normally i wake up in the morning not having any time to think about him, just getting ready for another day- then somehow i normally reach a point in the day where i start to think about him...or i see a couple or someone mentions something and i say "oh he used to like that, he used to do this , he used to do that" It is when I get home from school that it all really hurts me.... I haven't taken the el to sheridan since i picked up his package to mail to him that day it was raining... i remember my friend (who is also gone now) looked at me and said "laura it is just a house" i didnt even have to say anything, he knew what i was thinking. In a few months I have lost my best friend, my boyfriend and my money. Obviously people go through far worse things in the world - I can maybe even count myself one of the luckier ones... but that isn't necessarily to say that this is easy for me. no - it isn't at all- after school sucks and you have no idea how bad the weekends are. Laughable even.... "what r u going to do this weekend? me: oh i dont know i guess ill either hang out with myself or with roomate #1 and bf or roommate #2 and bf" fun. All I really wanna do is call him and say plz plz come back. Even if you don't love me come back and pretend to be the same guy i met almost three winters ago who said "laura sheridan is only two stops away from your house... you can come here everyday- i dont want a weekend girlfriend i want a full time girlfriend..." that was back when he at least somewhat cared about me, i won't say he loved me, no maybe i will never ever again say that he loved me because now that ozan and pinar are leaving here i have seen love... love is not a hole in ur wall . love is not moving away and refusing to talk to u, love is not spinning lies to not come with ur gfs family to michigan , love is not declaring that ur gf is the only woman u have never cheated on but leaving ur cell phone around for ur gf to see that u have been sending texts to ur cousin saying "i swear to god i love u" .... that is not love - although care, i think he CARED about me enough and for awhile.... for awhile i was the one protesting and saying that everyday at his house would be too much, shouldnt this just be for fun? that was a joke - it all moved so quickly .... of course i knew it would someday end but predicting the severity of it when it finally happened... nearly impossible.... at the same time as i want him to lie down here next to me in bed and say funny things to me, to kiss me , to "love" me, to at least care for me.... to bring me tea... i miss those days when he could calm me down by calling me sweetie.... i loved it when he said "u look beautiful" and my reply was "are u serious?" and he would say "no laura everytime i compliment u , you think i am being mean..." im lost on the weekend without him... i havent known chicago wihtout him... its funny - the only thing i know without him is the ins and outs of half of europe.... i wanna be here right now with him planning our winter trip to disney- fighting cuz i wouldnt go on the same ride but concluding the day with a kiss and a fun dinner at a fancy place or a small junk food spot, i wanna fight over whether or not the disney store has condoms, what ride is best to go to , where we should eat dinner, how stupid and smart are acquantices are.... i want to be teased and loved.... i want him to look me in the eye again like he did that night that i stayed up til 7 am just to help him write that damn paper.... 10 hours of my life devoted to that but it was enough to get to here " laura you are really the best person i know i love u so much no one else would help me do that..."
At the same time as all of that I also wanna yell at him, i want to hate him just as much as i want to love him... i dont seem that capable of either... and unfortunately im still leaning more towards love...
i want to tell him that it wasnt so smooth of him to leave his cell phone next to someone that believes god can speak to you through feelings, that believes in auras , and honesty... that can FEEL the truth and the lies... no it isnt good at all then to leave your cell phone next to your girlfriend who u have sworn is the only girl for u via msn while shes in germany only to come home pick up ur cell and find that damn call log to "s t" saying " i swear to god i love u but am just hurt :(" that text is engrained in my memory forever making me mad at myself at the same time as mad at him - with only two weeks left i was too chicken to tell him id looked thru his stuff for the fifth time .... didnt want to "ruin" the days left here with me... put it in the "back" of my mind only for it to come up every other day in my brain ---- and now he wont speak to me .... now i wonder if it is too late to legitimize telling him i saw that text .... im afraid he wont talk to me if i tell him that but it isnt like talking is doing well now....
i wanna tell him he isnt being very muslim but im too afraid taht is too big of an insult for him.... i wish he could be the best one i ever saw but my roomate pinar is.... even her bf is.... although they are kind of young , kind of scattered, they have at least told me some guidelines and ozan told me.... "pinar is the best muslim i know... she would never do something to intentionally hurt someone" and u know what that is the best of any kind of person anywhere ... one who is genuine and not false .... makes mistakes but doesnt even imagine they coould be that painful otherwise would stay away from them... then according to ozan my mom and dad, my roomate, her bf, some of my friends.... well then according to ozan they are some of the best muslims ever... which equals some of the best ppl ever---- you cannot jsut go through doing the rituals.... that is like being obsessed with christmas going to church doing all the given rituals , even very precise religious ones but not taking one moment to wonder how jesus life was? how ur friends lives are on this xmas? no rituals arent everything ....
i want him to apologize to me but im afraid ill never be brave enough to tell him about what i saw that has been hurting me for months. or how hurt i was when he told me that i couldnt come to new york with him.... or the time he told me i was stupid... or the time when i gave him three cards on our anniversary cuz i couldnt decide which one was good enough for him and him telling me "laura i am just not happy in this relationship" ..... those are verbal scars that i need to get rid of somehow... i wanna forgive him someday for all of this but right now my anger is too great.
he told me in the beginning that his ex was a compulsive liar... she might be but it seems to turn out maybe he is too....
always hiding something .... always making up sweet little lies... and what a damn suck up to my family ! in a country where family is supposedly so revered why should he think i dont tell mine about all of his hurtful things he has done to me?
maybe due to all these bad things someone seeing this should think i would be happy to be rid of this guy... free to be myself, away from verbal and emotional abuse of any kind... but then this person forgets how it feels to be somewhat properly cared for by another man....
by someone who calls u ur gf and best friend, who says that we share our money now, u spill coffee on ur lap that means u spill it on mine.... by a couple who sends each other encouraging bits of advice but neither one feels u have to say oh thank u so much for that btu leaves it in silence just perfectly understanding.... someone who u have such great physical chemistry with that u can barely look at each other without leaning into each other... how can i forget when i have a card from disney that has on it accidentally misprinted on it laura a******* ....which was my dream back then.. and there it was in disney where "dreams come true" and all that general bs.... the man who didnt even know it but gave me the strength to go to germany? how can i forget about that person? how can a bit of me not love them anymore?
sometimes there is a fine line between love and hate
i wish he knew what it was like for me.... more than that i wish he could see all the people here giving me advice... all the various different and sometimes conflicting bits of advice... pinar who looks at me with no words and seems to tell me with her body that it is useless - give up - forget.... or ozan who spins lies in order to stay in for the night with me becuz he sees me crying but understands when he makes the whole plan gets all the ppl here and im in bed cuz i just cant handle the rest of the day... he understands - hes blatant he tells me "he didnt love u ... he tells me.... u know what i say in this ssituation "fuck it" he says he will bring me alcohol and we will drink and cry the turkish way... that is fine with me - what about leah whos nigerian bf turned out bad too? who says to me "girl u dont need no man ! laura iii love u! i am done with men for 3 yrs at LEAST!" or c. with her gf in japan and a prospective bf here whos saved me from another night of crying that says laura lets go to chilis i have updates... and i say yeh i shud leave ive been crying... and she understands she says "yeh hmm i kno lets go out"
how about diana who seems to think her words of wisdom have just beamed down upon me ? somehow she understands
what about liz who doesnt kno much about relationships but says in confidence "but laura what can u do now? " or my boss at disney who just says "and who ever told u to date a guy from around tehre? " all teh while having many friends from there but trying to chear me up - letting my play with the new walkie talkies at work - tellin me ridiculous stories - he understands.
what about chris who save me from my school troubles cuz he know i just cant do this all alone? or kara who supported me while i was completely lost in germany? what about hollis and jessica who might not know from too much experience btu who celebrate weeks gone by with me and try to keep my attnetion on enjoying the greater world... dreaming more about europe...
what about my japanese teacher? even she understands in hr own way - interesting me in a class i thought id hate about the atomic bombs, bringing trumans grandson to speak ---- what about my dad who stays chipper all teh while with hardly any many? the man who has nothing but when i tell him about semester at sea tells me , i dont care if u do it - we will just fill out the forms, i say i feel bad he says - dont its ur loans---- you'll figure a way to pay em back later and ive saved enoguh to give u money for food and life. my dad who has only been to canada encourgaing me to follow my dreams of working in europe - what about ash who uses the same slang as me? who has a sisterly bond with me who id lay down my own life for ? she helps me by just existing in this world - she held my hand ever weekend in germany - she didnt mind when i crawled into bed next to her and said ash i hate everything - she understood. what abotu phillipa who i didnt know two months ago but now shares stories about how to move on from ur ex but the hard part of ur heart that will forever love them? what about my mom and sister who call more than they really should but just to see if im ok? my mom who took care of him as if he was her own child who has now betrayed her too - hurting her favorite little person.... even mitzi hah- everytme i go home she looks at me like she is saying i love u laura everything is gonna be ok ---- and jordan who called me to remind me about the smashing pumpkins - and shayla who loves me and HAS been thru this before -who assures me its gonna be ok.... what about my friend from lebanon who ive never met in person telling me laura this is what u have to do now- all the while wishing the best for me
and AHMAD what about him?! who stayed with me EVERY night until 2 am when he first left just making sure i didnt go completely insane - even m**** 's own brother! he sends me mesgs saying laura i didnt see u this weekend looool i miss u !
even YANG - she let me know that she had the same problem but it might be ok - being careful not to say it ill but it might
even the sorority i hardly put much into telling me they thought i was so sweet ... even that can help a crappy day -
or my book - eat love pray - oh god i cannot thank the woman that wrote the book enough - she has given me a small sliver of hope that one day i can forgive everyone and everything including myself
im still sad after putting this all here - i still wanna talk to him - i still hate him for not accepting me as his friend on yahoo or in real life- for ignoring phone calls and messages, but now i wont try anymoe - he has my name and my number and all my contact info - if he wants im here... for now.
im stil gonna cry everyday , im still gonna break down on the boring weekends wishing everythign were the same , im still gonn aget jealous of my roomates and their beautifuls bfs and lives - but like my magnet says "happiness is not a destination it is a journey" maybe this is just the small bump in the journey - or maybe it is th ebig one? who really knows.... it reminds me of a part i love from the book i love - the medicine man saying he has been to heaven and he has been to hell and both of them are absolutely beautiful --- of course who would understand this? the man just says - well, the seven layers i went thru to get to heaven felt great, the seven layers to get to hell.... well ive never felt worse- so why would u end up in the same place and take the more difficult journey?
ponder that
:) :( :/
bhuta ia, dewa ia -
and it is so true
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Saturday, September 6th, 2008
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to be really frank and completely honest. i feel like shit without u here. come back .
i want my best friend back so bad
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Sunday, August 31st, 2008
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he left
forever
i have no words left to say
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Thursday, July 17th, 2008
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is truly alone right now. not the kind where u just say u are alone but truly truly alone in life.
i hope to someday find better ppl.
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Saturday, July 12th, 2008
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if one wish could be fulfilled in the world i would want you back to at least be my friend. i miss u so much... everyday is a struggle without talking to you. i am so sorry things had to end this way :( i wish u were still around. u were my best friend. i want to see u and hug u and hold u and tell u everything is going to be alright. i know that i will never have the opportunity to do that and i may not ever have the opportunity to talk to you at all. i am so tired of being sad about this. all day i try not to be but everything keeps reminding me of you. the mornings are the worst becuz i wake up and hope that maybe during the night u have sent me some sort of message or somthing and every morning it is a pain when i see that u havent. i miss so much what we had and the comfortability we found in each other. i miss you and everything about you. i loved you so much and now u are gone. i know that this happens throughout peoples lives i just had never imagined how bad it would really feel. i hope you come around some day and decide to talk to me again. i need that.
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I lost someone that was not only my boyfriend but also my best friend. although i do have other friends that have definitely come out of the woodwork and dramatically helped me during this time (mostly kara and ash, study abroad friends etc) it unfortunately does not replace the horrible feeling of losing someone that i was not only close with in words but in physicality. dear god plz help me. i am having such a hard time with this. i wake up, cry in the shower, go to scul - if i work out after then i hold the tears but if i come home then i cry again, or i cry AFTER wroking out... then i move on with my day and cry a shit load at night. how can my best friend be gone , god? i am praying every night and so are my friends.... and still i feel horrible. i want him to feel ok too. i dont want to spite him. but there was no need for him to turn off his phone completely forever. i HATE it that i remember all the words we have said to each other. i HATE it that i remember all the GOOD times we had together. i really wish i only rememberd the bad becuz then i dont feel like i would feel this much like shit. Dear god , how can it really be gone? how can he really be gone? i want to scream.... this isn't fair how can this happen. and i know there are harder things in life... and supposedly this is all gonna look comical when i look back on it but how , god , do i get thru this time? i am trying i swear i really am but the feelings in me hurt so bad.... it gets hard to try. i want my best friend back and i KNOW i cant have them back... it is the worst feeling in the world.
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Dear ---
I have so many thoughts in my mind right now and I cannot find a way to put them all down in paper. We will probably
never speak as friends again so I will just have to right this out for myself. I am so disappointed in the way this turned out to be.
I wish I didn't remember every word you have ever said to me but I unfortunately do. You told me yourself that for me
I am not just a girl you dated but family. Now you have claimed that you do not even want to speak to me or my family
ever again. I know there are things you are going through right now that I supposedly could "never understand" but that does
NOT give you the right to treat me the way you treated me. Last Tuesday I heard words that I've never wanted to hear from anyone
in this world. (This is more for Kara's sake so I'll start with the whole story). I hadn't heard from you in a week. This normally
means that something has gone pretty wrong. However, I could not comprehend what was to come. I sent you a facebk
message asking if you could get the key from my roommmate. Then I ended up talking to osama online. I asked him
if he had heard from you in awhile and he said that yeah he had seen u at school and I commented that a week
is a long time not to talk to a friend. Then he started asking why I am not calling him my boyfriend anymore.
I know that m---- doesn't like me to talk to his friends about this stuff but i thought osama knew. Then I said
to osama that it is complicated and that he is going back home anyways etc etc. After that I knew that if osama talked to him
and told him our conversation he'd be all pissy. So i shot m--- a message saying that if osama talked to him
that i didn't tell him all the info and that i could explain. I went to bed cuz I never heard from him then he called me as I was
going to bed. He is so fucked up. At first we talked fine and normal - completely normal. Then he started asking
how osama and I had gotten into the conversation about me and him. That's where he went a bit crazy.
I told him that osama didn't just bring it up on his own and that i had asked where he was and whatnot. Well screw me
for being honest. Never again. Then he started screaming about why would i ask his friends things about us (our "relationship" )
and that he hated when i did that etc etc. Then i kept saying sorry sorry i didnt know. And he said that is cuz u are fucking
stupid. ........ I can't xplain to anyone how I felt when i heard that. Then he hung up on me. I had so much anger
and sadness and rage inside me. I tried to call back about 4 times and he kept hanging up on me everytime. Then
I sent him some texts saying that if he think he is so religious, it isn't right in any religion to call someone
fucking stupid and that i would never say that to anyone's face even if i thought they were. i told him that it made me feel
like i was pointless and piece of a shit and made me feel like i wanna die if im so pointless. I called him another time after that
and he answered. For the rest of my life this conversation will haunt and hurt me. He told me I couldnt scare him.
(I think he thought i was trying to say I wanna kill myself) and he said words to me that I will admit to very very few ppl.
he said ok fine then do it i wanna hear the sound of u dying.... he is insane. I just simple said morhaf you don't know what
you are talking about dont say that. Then he said laura I never wanna hear from you again or see you. I won't answer your
calls or talk to you ever again. I will not go out with you and your mom when you get back. I don't wanna see u or ur
family ever again. I was crying and a wreck at this point obviously, as I still am today. I told him that doesn't make any sense
and that he called me last week asking if I would go out with him and my mom to celebrate. He just said well im crazy
havent u ever heard of someone changing their mind? i changed my mind. There was nothing left to say which he
reitterated to me. He said nothing you say or do can change my mind everything between us is over. And he kept
repeating that nothing I do or say can change his mind. He said I do not want you to meet or take care of my brother when you
get back. (that had before been my job) Then he said again that we should never speak again and kept saying ok? ok?
How can i say ok to all this coming out of nowhere?! I didn't say ok I just said.... I need my bed back and my stuff
he said ok just call me when u get back and I will give it to you and give you the key from ur new room mate.
Then he said ok I am disconnecting the phone ... (that was after i asked if he was ok and he said no im not fucking ok
and that his life is shit and he felt like hell and that there were things going on in s.a. and that they are none of my
business and he is done with everything american.... which isn't true since he seems to be talking fine to everyone but me.)
he also told me he cudnt deal with me, my texts my whole thing and that he didn't want my gifts to him. well
that was the last time we spoke. and yes, all of you can say the same fucking things.... he was mean, why do u want him
he is leaving anyways blah blah blah YES I KNOW ALL THIS INFORMATION THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY FUCKING
EASIER. I iwsh i had never felt his fake love. I actually wish he had been an asshole ALL the time- and don't tell me he was. yeah
a lot of the time but not allll the time. And when it was good i was the happiest person on the earth. THAT MAKES ME SICK.
HE TOLD ME I WAS MORE THEN JUST A GIRL HE DATED, THAT I WAS FAMILY - WELL WHAT IS THIS?! HE SAID TO ME
IN THE AIRPORT "I'LL BE WAITING HERE FOR YOU IN CHCIAGO WHEN YOU GET BACK.... WELLLL WUTTTT THE FUCK
IS THIS?! the worst part is I KNOW he doesn't feel half as bad as I do now. He isn't crying about this. Oh no...
he knows that this is life blah blah blah and that he has to do what is best FOR HIM. well fuck that , fuck the way i feel ,
fuck his country and fuck the bastards that started to rule over it in the 1900s. YOU PPL DONT KNOW SHIT. LOOK AROUND YOU
IS THERE ANY OTHER FUCKING COUNTRY ACTING THE WAY YOU ARE???!!!! NO NO THERE IS NOT. God damn it that country
has turned everyone inside of it into fucking psychos. HELP YOUR PPL . yes obviously m---is mostly to blame for his
horribe horrible behaviro for a 26 yr old. i wrote him a very heartfelt and not too nice , not too mean message on facebk
of course he didnt answer it. YOU HAVE TAKEN ALL EMOTIONS AWAY FROM YOUR PPL AND YOU THINK YOUR A RELIGIOUS
COUNTRY Well MY GOD EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IS MORE RELIGIOUS THAN YOU AND THE CRUEL THINGS YOU DO TO YOUR PPL.
he is to blame partly btu if you were raised in that hell hole of a place you'd probably be nuts too. This doesn't make me
feel any better or any worse . i still wish i knew what had sparked his moments of insanity. I will probably never speak to him
again. and yes, you can all say that is for the better.... btu do you THINk it feels like that for me?! this absolutely 100 percent
sucks. thank you god for my friends and for my family that are supporting me through this time and especially to those
who are doing it anyways even though they have no idea how it feels and cant understand. however, unfortunately,
there is nothing anyone can do or say that can make me feel better about the fact that someone i used to be best friends with
has gone insane and wont speak to me at all. supposedly it will get better with time. we will see. i will need a lot of time
ill jsut keep praying and keep doing my best but i must admit my best isnt all that great. i cry a lot . a lot a lot.
and he doesnt even fucking care- thatz the worst part.
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well i am kinda glad that no one but kara reads this becuz i need to just write and not care what anyone thinks of it.
i havent been writing for awhile cuz ive been sad about something and although i usually only write when i'm sad i think i was
afraid to put it all down in words like i normally do. and another thing... i didnt want to sound like i wasnt having a good time
studying abroad cuz i truly am but that is a totally different story. as kara said you have to seperate your germany life and your
real life. well what i want to write about now is real life.... and i've been ignoring it for some time but now i am going home
in one month so i need to prepare for the fact that this is real and true. this is it and i have no power to change it.
one year ago i met him. if you wanna be xact one year and six months ago this coming july 15th. one year ago we met. one year
ago i didnt think we would stay together for so long. two or three months in i fell in love. four or five months in it was hard to tell
if he loved me as much as he said he did at the start. six months in we got to comfortable... 6 and 7 and 8 months in we started
fighting and chose to live with each other anyways, we realized we had no future, i stuck around anyways. we fought every day
but layed contently in each others arms every night. 9 months in i realized he probably had other girls waiting for him
at home.... i still dont know... dont they all supposedly? all the foreign guys i mean? easter was great my birthday was ok
he told me on my birthday he was going to stop talking to her... he did for a few months until they had to work together...
a few months later i realized his cousin could be a potential threat... in the summer i met his other cousin... we became close
because he was always grumpy or sleeping. we continued to fight about sleeping in too late. in september was the wedding. he
was great. my grandma fell and couldnt come to the wedding. he handled himself perfectly. i didnt thank him enough
for half the things he did for me. ramadan came in the fall. no touching. after ramadan i became more aware of his
cousin who was/is potentially a threat to me...? we still "loved" each other but the fights got worse. it didn't matter cuz
we kno each other so well (or maybe we diddd know each other so well) november i was accepted to study abraod
i believed it would push me to completely get over him... btu instead i spent the next months worried about leaving him.
he showed little emotion about it except for late at night in his bed in his arms. until i really went. xmas he fucked things
up. i also overreacted... beginning of xmas break we went to disney on the best trip ever- all was well. he began to get
very homesick... i had no compassion until ive spent time here and realized what itz like to be homesick... during this time
we both grew older... over xmas we almost broke up ... didnt talk for two weeks... he came back and trusting was hard again
and still is. i will never ever trust anyone in the world so easily anymoer. it changed things. but again it didnt matter
becuz we still helped each other, loved each other, spent time wth each other. we still went out together , slept together. did
everything together. jim became a small problem. jim went away as a problem. i was in a sorroity. he was proud.
had a week 1st anniversary as we had just gotten back together and a pretty poor valentines day as well but
they were still there. march began the love and the dislove....still unsure about that cousin but she lives there and i live here
and shudnt he be getting ready for his real life anyways? so how can i blame him... he will have to get married to someone
there and i am here. and no one there would ever accept me anyways.... that doesnt mean i accept this... even tho i knew
these consequences and went with them anyways... march he realized i was leaving ... we grew very close agan. every night
in his bed. everyday with him every weekend with him. st particks day parade- i found out he betrayed me. he cried
he said sorry... i could only forgive him cuz i saw how badly he felt. it still hurts me. neither of us are perfect. perhaps,
ive betrayed him before? now i am here. in germany. i had hoped this would help me to get over him it turned out it just made
us want to be closer together again. then after i came back from romania something happened. something cultural
something out of both of our hands. no longer could we live together when i came back. no longer could i have anything
when i came back... and we can't do anything about it. he is leaving anyways. and i am not . i am going back
to america and staying there for awhile. itz my home. but will it feel like my home in chicago without him there?
ive only known a chicago with him... i need to feel something. i used to not be so stiff. i could hold a hand with ease
i tried it , just holding someones hand,.... it was a week and limp attempt.... i need his touch and i may not get that
i need his hug his kiss, i need to see hime see me. i need to realize that maybe none of those things are possible
i need to realize it may be over. the dreams of him picking me up at the airport may be broken. we had to move farther apart.
i didnt get a chance to properly say goodbye to him. i didnt kno that our last kiss was our last kiss. i cried then and im crying
now. has it been a good thing to go away? for many reasons yes... and for many reasons no... how could i leave him when
i knew that he would only be with me for a few more months? but did i have to do this to grow? yes. yes. i absolutely did.
have i grown? yes, i absolutely have. no one can know the future but god... i dont and u dont but i can hope ... i can hope
for a better future. it is not like my life is horrible and awful. i have family friends goals. but it is different once u have loved
it is hard to compartmentalize things but if being here has done anything it has greatly helped me learn how to do that.
does that mean i never break down and cry? no no not at all. everyone has to cry sometimes. i used to all the time and
then i controlled it. but that doesnt mean i can always stay strong. i am human and i have loved before. if you have ever
loved u have cried as well... that i am sure of. so maybe i wont get to feel his touch but at least i have met the first person i
have loved. supposeduly if this happens u learn from them and the next person u love u are able to handle better
i wish i didnt have to think i would have to meet a different person to love... btu this is life and everything
happens for a reason... so i'll take what i can get , try to wipe my teats away and wait for the future while moving ahead
i have to smile.
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Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
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part of me doesnt want to write this at all because i know it will be one big cry fest but the other half of me knows that part of
healing is the part where u get out all of those things that u need to. this is a message to myself and to others everywhere.
if you think you have someone good by your side in the slightest bit than chances are you probably do. if you know your time
with them will be short then spend every minute together that time allows you to spend without going to the extent of making
each other feel irritated. Love unconditionally even through the hardest of times because when it is all over you will think about
the little things that made you mad and realize they weren't that big of a deal in the first place. Take every chance you can get
to hug and kiss the one your with. Make sure they feel your love just as much as you want to feel their love because once
it is gone , it is gone. Remember that it is ok to fight but there is no reason in the world to hold a grudge against someone for
anything if you truly love them with all your heart. Enjoy the simplest things because in the end you can't have those back either.
Live for the times you are holding each others hands, looking into each others eyes, kissing, making love, fighting, talking
eating shopping, even riding the train. those are special moments that can be gone forever in an instant. make every day count
with the one you love. If there love runs out then dont be shy to use urs. It's ok to love in different degrees than another person.
Never ever ever take anything for granted when it involves someone you care about. NEVER ... because you will feel like shit
when it is gone and you didn't appreciate it enough. LIVE FOR THE DAYS YOU HAVE. if you EVER meet anyone who u think u love
who has a time limit on how long they are gonna be with you.... do not start counting the days, do not start worrying about the
future, do not start to think about what u will miss from the past. JUST LIVE IN THE MOMENT WITH THEM. Because one day
it will go away and when that happens you will feel how hard it is go get onto your own two feet again.
dont be afraid to feel like that. there is no worse feeling in the wrold but when you feel like that then you know, u know
inside of ur heart, that u loved someone with all the power u had, u know u would have given them anything.
That is love. Loving someone does not always mean being with them in the end. Many people lose lovers throughout their
lives , for unkown circumstances. It is hard to find a reason as to why this has to happen to ppl, good ppl nonetheless.
However, somewhere down the road God will have an answer... I may not feel it now but i trust that it will come.
I miss him and want him and need him and would love to touch him and hold him and talk to him more than I want anything
else in the whole entire world. But from each situation we gather little bits of information, little purposes along the road.
I wouldn't know about islam and I wouldn't be able to spout off about saudi arabia if I had not met him.
I hope that this will help both the future of Islam and the future of Saudi Arabia some day no matter
how minute it may be. God bless Islam , salam alaykum ... allah akbar , i hope i can teach ppl about the wonders or islam
someday but I also hope that saudi arabia learns that it is far too extreme. Your country broke my heart and something
will have to be changed in my lifetime....
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I dreamed of things differently. I KNEW things would end this way i just didnt think it would happen so soon. but i DREAMED that it would be different. i made up a lot of plans , and a lot of thoughts in my head. I tried to be the best i could be for him. I bragged about him to all my friends. I loved him with all my heart. i dont kno on what level and i dont know for how long but he loved me too for a little bit and that feeling is something i want back so badly, but i cannot have it back. fucking culture. im so upset. i dreamed of me coming to the airport and it just being him right there standing waiting for me , smiling :) then we would go out for indian food while we couldnt stop hugging and kissing each other cuz we missed each other so much and then we would just have to go back to my place and we would sleep and hug for 3 nights and 2 days before we finally decided we should get up and do something. then we would just keep going out and eating and sleeping and playing with each other. we would celebrate these last few weeks that he would be here. it would be hard but it was what i was looking forward to. Now that has been ripped away from me because one stupid girl didn't know enough to keep her mouth closed. I promise that very few ppl have been in my exact situation before. itz hard for two ppl to love each other when one's mother is out looking for a partner for their son. i didnt even wanna think about who he will spend the rest of his life with. all i know is that it doesnt get to be me. another woman will love him and take care of him and they will have jobs and children and go on vacations together. they will play the same games together that he played with me and he will put his whole heart into this other relationship. that makes me feel like shit. i feel like im the stupid american that he accidentally fell into dating. it is an awful feeling. i want my friend and boyfriend back. plz god give me just august . thatz all
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I cant stop thinking. I really really really hope this is not the last time we talk. I didnt mean for anything to go wrong between us. he is being an asshole and yet i still really love him, if this is what he is going to use to end everything between us i guess in the end he isnt worth it at all but unfortunately it doesnt make it hurt any less. my mind just keeps going back to things about him and how he and i have helped each other out. right now im crying and i feel so lonely. i keep thinking of when he was so lonely becuz his aunt died. i went to his house and we were playing games on the computer to distract him. then he just started to cry. and i held him in my arms for a long time and told him that she is in heaven now and she is safe. i wish he would hold me. im crying and nobody is holding me. im lonely and nobody is comforting me. (-kara) i want him back. i dont want to have ruined everything. please god. give him back to me... i cant take this
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Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
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I'm mad right now - why cant ppl ever pull thru on what they say they are gonna do? I never ditch you, i NEVER forget about u, i NEVER forget to call or anything - this is bullshit- i deserve better than this. I'm a nice person with good morals and a loving heart and right now ur just being a fuckin asshole. fuck ur moods -u kno i love you but the moods suck . i nver kno what u are thinkin or anything and it makes me feel sick to my stomach - i sit there tryin to enjoy the night but how can i when im waiting for ur fuckin call? normal bfs are able to at least pull thru on that. i guess ur just different. ur out at a club right now partying- ignoring me. hell , youve prob met some girl that u can go out with and now u are ignorin my fone calls. that is AWESOME what an asshole. there are so many things i wanted to share with you before i leave but u dont seem very interested. apparently ur more interested in clubbin and meetin indian girls than me. oh well. some day the tables will turn and you will love someone and they wont really love u back. they will jsut be using u for their own sake
they wont care
u just wait and see... be careful cuz what comes around goes around .
what happnes to u? half the time ur so wonderful and nice and loving and the other half u make me wanna jsut sit in bed and cry... thatz really sucky of u. :( u could at least just say goonight sweetie or something, at least instead of totally ignoring me. that makes me feel great when i go to bed feeling like no one in the world cares about me :( i really hate it - i really really do.
plz help me to feel worthwhile again. i dont wanna feel useless i really really hate it.
i swear if ur rude tomorrow that will hurt my heart too bad- plz love me the way i love u , or at least pretend to for these last 3 weeks :(
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Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
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i want no negativity from anyone commenting on my saying this because it will only make how i feel worse.
I will miss him so so so so so so so so so so so much- I got more info for germany tonight and I swear im gonna miss him more than anyone knows. I know there were a lot of hard times between us but there was also a lot of joy. ive never connected with anyone on that level the way i connected with him. Forget all the bullshit and all the other guys that ive crushed on. None of them have been here for me in the way that he is. in the crazy backsided way that me and him have been there for each other. I love him with all my heart and I really felt something between us - leaving him is starting to feel wrong but I know it is something that I have to do:( I will miss his smile and his face and his laugh and his voice and his teasing, I will miss eating indian food on the floor with him. I'll miss shopping with him , i'll miss our trip to disney world - I'll miss how pissed off I got that his house got so dirty - I'll miss how he pretned he's gonna crush me and jump on me before he gets into bed. I'll miss the way he jokes around and pretends to be "sexy" haha - I'll miss the way he tells me about his day. I'll miss the way he looks when he's concentrating , I'll miss the inside jokes we shared together I'll miss sooo much about him. I wont forget him in any way shape or form because i felt that he was my true love and I'll so much miss the way he would just hug me while I'm sleeping and nothing else in the world seemed to matter anymore cuz his arms were around me
my battery is running out - more tomorrow
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Sunday, January 20th, 2008
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Tonight I felt something that I had not felt in a long time. In a very very very very long time. I felt used. I felt totally and completely used and walked all over. So now I am here to confirm to girls out there the fact is that although they may play the game differently at one point or another they all just want the general same thing out of it. Plus they arent even trying hard to romance u and get you in bed. No no no - they want something easy - the easiest way to have something easy is that stupid stupid stupid four letter word... LOVE. If they can pretend that then they are able to have u there for them all the time and are able to do whatever they want to you, perhaps dump you on your feet and tell you whooooops turns out after all they dont actually BELIEVE in love. whooooops , you can never be together, they thought u were someone different, the list can go on and on and on. While stupid little you is there bending this way and that cuz hey you THINK you are in love with someone that you sorta THINK loves you too.... well then the clever guy is there seeing that he has attained what he wanted and his only complication.... the very fact that you do love him the way you do. SO .... it becomes very hard not to want to become bitter and like him in nature and not care about anyone either but be careful of doing this cuz there is that one guy out there waiting for you.... or so they say....but the problem with that my friend, well that might not be true either.
Funny thing - they could ask you why you are always sad. Perhaps it's kinda hard to be miss sunshine when mr changeable is over there talkin about whats right and whats wrong which,,,, btw, doesnt matter in the end cuz again, whoops turns out those miles will get yah and u just could never be together... but wait doesnt love bring everyone together even under the hardest of circumstance? Why no, no not at all. First of all it's a little hard when they dont really want to be loving you anyhow. Maybe they want their EX gf? or their cousin? whooooo knows- allz i kno is that even if none of these things are what they want it doesnt matter cuz they wont LOVE a single one of them. If you meet one of these guys who doesnt love plz do not stay in the situation. get yourself out of it before it gets too deep because altho it sounds like a situation no one would ever put themselves in , it is much harder to get out of then one could imagine. So wipe away your tears (they'll get mad at you for them anyways and that isnt a help) stop buying hats, man jewelry, watches, shirts etc, stop buying the xmas present of their dreams, inviting them to see your family and celebrate with you, stop going to their house when they ask you to, stop helping them with laundry , stop being a good person in front of their friends, stop reading hw with them at 2 am when u should be sleeping, stop calling them cuz u just want to HEAR their voice - stop doing all of these things or other such things that would go along with this cuz u should get the point- THEY WILL NEVER CARE. THEY NEVER LOVED YOU ANYHOW. so plz everyone save yourself the pain, wait to date til your 30 and ur sure you can detect this type of guy off the bat - dont waste a yr of ur precious life being with someone who u love and who u just THINK loves you. no no stop doing that rite this second and move on and foward and try to forget that at one point this type of person ever pulled u down - itz hard cuz their will still be the cute little memories but u kno what - those were left there on accident - the pain u feel is what is there on purpose- so after a few months i kno that i will never forget him but at least i'll know that this is just one less guy that god wanted for me becuz he has something greater planned. This is the world's way of helping us kno who we are and helping us learn self-respect for ourselves. This is one more type of guy i kno that i need to stay clear of so that in its own is a little bit of help so god bless and good luck to those who r trying their hardest to not get into this and god bless twice as much those that are in this and cant seem to get out and god bless THREE times as much those that are in this and truly believe it will work :(
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Friday, January 18th, 2008
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i feel like i may die soon :(
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Friday, January 11th, 2008
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sometimes people that leap and jump and bound into the front door of your life with energy and compassion exit out of the other door with strength, silence, and walk in a direction which you may never see.
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Sunday, December 30th, 2007
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1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?:
also fell in love. got knocked out of love while still being in love. went cross country skiing. had my first valentines day with a boy i love/d. had my first bday with a boy i love/d. ... my first walk on the beach, my sixth yet first with above boy- vacation to disney, my first apartment shared with said boy, my first series of anniversaries, my sisters wedding celebrated with boy, my first time feeling more crushed than i ever have in me entire life becuz of boy. basically a lot of firsts.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:
I hate new years and I will not be celebrating it and prob did not celebrate last year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
ppl from carmel have babies a lot. other than that- no.
4. Did anyone close to you die?:
fortunately no, but unfortunately , similar to kara- i feel as though someone did too
5. What countries did you visit?:
soon I will be travelling all over but nothing for 2007. oh well.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?:
i want everything BACK that i had in 2007. i was fortunate and didnt lack much.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
I will remember january 15th 2007 for the rest of my life. thank you for that.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:
loving someone with my whole heart and be "ok" at containg myself when they didnt need my love anymore.
9. What was your biggest failure?:
Not knowing when to take a hint and stop and hanging on to things that I know could never come true.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
only a hurt heart.... oops and an entire stomach disorder - but that hurts less than this.
11. What was the best thing you bought?:
i didnt buy anything that kewl but i got a new ipod nano for xmas so thatz kewl
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?:
surprsingly enough all of my old h.s. friends - and pinar and ash who are there forever and always
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?:
morhaf
14. Where did most of your money go?:
food , food , food - and gifts for someone who didnt appreciate it
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
basically anything to do with travelling or morhaf. - i guess those days are over now
16. What songs will always remind you of 2007?:
anything to do with morhaf
anything arabic
umbrella
calabria
anything else stan and i randomly sing
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i) ...happier or sadder?:
uh... bad time to ask - maybe winters just always suck?
ii) thinner or fatter?:
same i think or prob fatter lol
iii) richer or poorer?:
I'M richer but my fam is poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
Exercise. enjoy my time. quit the fights. love harder deeper better with no obstacles in my way
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
fighting and crying
20. How will you be spending Christmas?:
I dont wanna talk about xmas other than saying happy birthday baby jesus
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?:
I did.
23. How many one night stands?:
Zero.
24. What were your favorite TV programs?:
greys anatomy and travel channel and court tv and the news and seinfeld
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:
i think someone hates me and i dont know if i hate them
26. What was the best book you read?:
pretty much everything i read was good. mostly cuz i mainly read travel books
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
ummm.... the fact i never knew i loved reggae so much. i mean i always loved it but never as much as i knew i could
28. What did you want and get?:
an ipod. a bf but now hez gone forever and not speakin to me and i didnt quite wnat that
29. What did you want and not get?:
id have to agree with closure and the fact that we would never go anywhere.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?:
i saw too many. but i am legend was good for marley influence
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
i was 19 and still am haha and i had 3 parties so that was kewl - and we did the espn zone with bf and chicago friends, suburb party with the regular crew, and zoo and kanzaman restaurant and hookah with the fam cuz it was my bday and mothers day and my sisters and dads 2 days later haha
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
not losing you.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?:
umm... i dress ok... pretty typical chicago dress i guess.
34. What kept you sane?:
exercise, music , movies, being me . and each person had their own time
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
ok kara they caught me... billy and enrique
36. What political issue stirred you the most?:
hahaha everything political stirs me up like no other.
37. Who did you miss?:
well i miss him more than anything
38. Who was the best new person you met?:
everyone at school and stan and my ex bf :(
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
u cant do anything in this world if u cant laugh about it and u cant laugh about anything if you do nothing.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
garden party- "well it's alright now. i learned my lesson well. you cant please everyone so you got to please yourself"
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Saturday, December 8th, 2007
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Right now I hate you for doing this. I hate it so much. I hate it that you dont think im greatful. I hate being hidden from other people. I hate being quiet while ur on the phone. I hate all of that. I hate that I tried to understand your holidays and you dont respect mine. I hate that every new years of my life has sucked. I hate how alone I feel sometimes. I hate wondering my future with you.... like its actually something to wonder. It's obvious that you will leave me. You probably have your own girlfriend at home. Your parents would never accept me. Your family wouldnt like my family. I hate that I love you. I hate the lectures. I hate feeling pressured to do everything right. I hate it that I can only feel like I depend on you and when times come when ur being undependable I have no one and I break down. I hate crying as much as you think I love it. I hate it when the people around me dont understand that this isnt always easy. I hate it when ur friends take u away from me when I need you the most. I'm so tired ... I'm so so so so so so tired. I'm starting to feel so lifeless again. and i dont want to because I love you so much... this is so fucked up. I hate falling in love.... it is the worst thing ever.
I just wish someday someone would understand
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