lo's journal

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 06:18:32 GMT

i am looking for inspiration from somewhere but im not sure where. i guess i have a lot of friends that have gone through hell and back. i guess a lot of the people i work with... their lives are not so easy - they have to find a way to get home in the middle of the night in dangerous areas... they have less money than i even have right now. i guess it is through those ppl that i will have to find a way to get my inspiration. im trying hard to believe in u God. but i keep wondering why everything seems to keep on coming crashing down. when i pray and tell u im so happy for all that u have given me... it is then taken away - i am starting to lose hope and i really do not want to do that ... i want to believe in God - i want to feel inspired. but the situations around me are causing me to feel very down. the economy sucks. no one has any money. there is nothing left here for us anymore. why dont they want to understand that ? there is really really nothing left for us here anymore.... i keep thinking that there is a such thing as karma - i feel that i must have done something awful to have these series of bad events happen to me.

once i thought that i was in love - the problem is - i can no longer remember if that feeling was a lie or if it was true...
i dont talk to that person anymore. they made a choice. they chose not to stay here. they chose not to be with me . they even went on to choose to never speak to me again and to get engaged.

i learned about the engagement thru a "mutual friend" u could say.... that friend is the reason my heart and body are aching now. one day things were fine. the next they were gone. that is what hurts the most. i spent months depressed.... then i found someone to finally make me happy again but that was apparently doomed.
i never get chosen
i always get lied to
i am never loved
they always choose the other one
i am always left behind...
i am never spoken to

i feel like a stupid piece of meat...
i want to move away and start over. i want to shut down my computer and shut down my cell phone and just start over
with new ppl
a new life. ...
dear God,
i know there has to be something better out there for me ... i really know there has to be .... please please help me find it. i cannot handle this anymore
i am begging u

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 06:54:42 GMT

please god,
i need somebody right now. i am falling so hard. give me my friend back please. give me my life back

long - happy- sad

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 22:50:20 GMT

To be honest I feel totally consumed by loneliness. Even at the busiest parts of the day, even when I have things to get done all I feel is the loneliness. That does not mean that I never laugh anymore, never go out, never eat. No- I happen to do all of those things but they aren't fulfilling to me in the slightest bits. Two things fulfill me - sleeping and crying. It's not like I've lost my mind, i do not wander around crying all day while ppl tell me to pull it together. No it is pretty organized, normally i wake up in the morning not having any time to think about him, just getting ready for another day- then somehow i normally reach a point in the day where i start to think about him...or i see a couple or someone mentions something and i say "oh he used to like that, he used to do this , he used to do that" It is when I get home from school that it all really hurts me.... I haven't taken the el to sheridan since i picked up his package to mail to him that day it was raining... i remember my friend (who is also gone now) looked at me and said "laura it is just a house" i didnt even have to say anything, he knew what i was thinking. In a few months I have lost my best friend, my boyfriend and my money. Obviously people go through far worse things in the world - I can maybe even count myself one of the luckier ones... but that isn't necessarily to say that this is easy for me. no - it isn't at all- after school sucks and you have no idea how bad the weekends are. Laughable even.... "what r u going to do this weekend? me: oh i dont know i guess ill either hang out with myself or with roomate #1 and bf or roommate #2 and bf" fun. All I really wanna do is call him and say plz plz come back. Even if you don't love me come back and pretend to be the same guy i met almost three winters ago who said "laura sheridan is only two stops away from your house... you can come here everyday- i dont want a weekend girlfriend i want a full time girlfriend..." that was back when he at least somewhat cared about me, i won't say he loved me, no maybe i will never ever again say that he loved me because now that ozan and pinar are leaving here i have seen love... love is not a hole in ur wall . love is not moving away and refusing to talk to u, love is not spinning lies to not come with ur gfs family to michigan , love is not declaring that ur gf is the only woman u have never cheated on but leaving ur cell phone around for ur gf to see that u have been sending texts to ur cousin saying "i swear to god i love u" .... that is not love - although care, i think he CARED about me enough and for awhile.... for awhile i was the one protesting and saying that everyday at his house would be too much, shouldnt this just be for fun? that was a joke - it all moved so quickly .... of course i knew it would someday end but predicting the severity of it when it finally happened... nearly impossible.... at the same time as i want him to lie down here next to me in bed and say funny things to me, to kiss me , to "love" me, to at least care for me.... to bring me tea... i miss those days when he could calm me down by calling me sweetie.... i loved it when he said "u look beautiful" and my reply was "are u serious?" and he would say "no laura everytime i compliment u , you think i am being mean..." im lost on the weekend without him... i havent known chicago wihtout him... its funny - the only thing i know without him is the ins and outs of half of europe.... i wanna be here right now with him planning our winter trip to disney- fighting cuz i wouldnt go on the same ride but concluding the day with a kiss and a fun dinner at a fancy place or a small junk food spot, i wanna fight over whether or not the disney store has condoms, what ride is best to go to , where we should eat dinner, how stupid and smart are acquantices are.... i want to be teased and loved.... i want him to look me in the eye again like he did that night that i stayed up til 7 am just to help him write that damn paper.... 10 hours of my life devoted to that but it was enough to get to here " laura you are really the best person i know i love u so much no one else would help me do that..."
At the same time as all of that I also wanna yell at him, i want to hate him just as much as i want to love him... i dont seem that capable of either... and unfortunately im still leaning more towards love...
i want to tell him that it wasnt so smooth of him to leave his cell phone next to someone that believes god can speak to you through feelings, that believes in auras , and honesty... that can FEEL the truth and the lies... no it isnt good at all then to leave your cell phone next to your girlfriend who u have sworn is the only girl for u via msn while shes in germany only to come home pick up ur cell and find that damn call log to "s t" saying " i swear to god i love u but am just hurt :(" that text is engrained in my memory forever making me mad at myself at the same time as mad at him - with only two weeks left i was too chicken to tell him id looked thru his stuff for the fifth time .... didnt want to "ruin" the days left here with me... put it in the "back" of my mind only for it to come up every other day in my brain ---- and now he wont speak to me .... now i wonder if it is too late to legitimize telling him i saw that text .... im afraid he wont talk to me if i tell him that but it isnt like talking is doing well now....
i wanna tell him he isnt being very muslim but im too afraid taht is too big of an insult for him.... i wish he could be the best one i ever saw but my roomate pinar is.... even her bf is.... although they are kind of young , kind of scattered, they have at least told me some guidelines and ozan told me.... "pinar is the best muslim i know... she would never do something to intentionally hurt someone" and u know what that is the best of any kind of person anywhere ... one who is genuine and not false .... makes mistakes but doesnt even imagine they coould be that painful otherwise would stay away from them... then according to ozan my mom and dad, my roomate, her bf, some of my friends.... well then according to ozan they are some of the best muslims ever... which equals some of the best ppl ever---- you cannot jsut go through doing the rituals.... that is like being obsessed with christmas going to church doing all the given rituals , even very precise religious ones but not taking one moment to wonder how jesus life was? how ur friends lives are on this xmas? no rituals arent everything ....
i want him to apologize to me but im afraid ill never be brave enough to tell him about what i saw that has been hurting me for months. or how hurt i was when he told me that i couldnt come to new york with him.... or the time he told me i was stupid... or the time when i gave him three cards on our anniversary cuz i couldnt decide which one was good enough for him and him telling me "laura i am just not happy in this relationship" ..... those are verbal scars that i need to get rid of somehow... i wanna forgive him someday for all of this but right now my anger is too great.
he told me in the beginning that his ex was a compulsive liar... she might be but it seems to turn out maybe he is too....
always hiding something .... always making up sweet little lies... and what a damn suck up to my family ! in a country where family is supposedly so revered why should he think i dont tell mine about all of his hurtful things he has done to me?

maybe due to all these bad things someone seeing this should think i would be happy to be rid of this guy... free to be myself, away from verbal and emotional abuse of any kind... but then this person forgets how it feels to be somewhat properly cared for by another man....
by someone who calls u ur gf and best friend, who says that we share our money now, u spill coffee on ur lap that means u spill it on mine.... by a couple who sends each other encouraging bits of advice but neither one feels u have to say oh thank u so much for that btu leaves it in silence just perfectly understanding.... someone who u have such great physical chemistry with that u can barely look at each other without leaning into each other... how can i forget when i have a card from disney that has on it accidentally misprinted on it laura a******* ....which was my dream back then.. and there it was in disney where "dreams come true" and all that general bs.... the man who didnt even know it but gave me the strength to go to germany? how can i forget about that person? how can a bit of me not love them anymore?
sometimes there is a fine line between love and hate

i wish he knew what it was like for me.... more than that i wish he could see all the people here giving me advice... all the various different and sometimes conflicting bits of advice... pinar who looks at me with no words and seems to tell me with her body that it is useless - give up - forget.... or ozan who spins lies in order to stay in for the night with me becuz he sees me crying but understands when he makes the whole plan gets all the ppl here and im in bed cuz i just cant handle the rest of the day... he understands - hes blatant he tells me "he didnt love u ... he tells me.... u know what i say in this ssituation "fuck it" he says he will bring me alcohol and we will drink and cry the turkish way... that is fine with me - what about leah whos nigerian bf turned out bad too? who says to me "girl u dont need no man ! laura iii love u! i am done with men for 3 yrs at LEAST!" or c. with her gf in japan and a prospective bf here whos saved me from another night of crying that says laura lets go to chilis i have updates... and i say yeh i shud leave ive been crying... and she understands she says "yeh hmm i kno lets go out"
how about diana who seems to think her words of wisdom have just beamed down upon me ? somehow she understands
what about liz who doesnt kno much about relationships but says in confidence "but laura what can u do now? " or my boss at disney who just says "and who ever told u to date a guy from around tehre? " all teh while having many friends from there but trying to chear me up - letting my play with the new walkie talkies at work - tellin me ridiculous stories - he understands.
what about chris who save me from my school troubles cuz he know i just cant do this all alone? or kara who supported me while i was completely lost in germany? what about hollis and jessica who might not know from too much experience btu who celebrate weeks gone by with me and try to keep my attnetion on enjoying the greater world... dreaming more about europe...
what about my japanese teacher? even she understands in hr own way - interesting me in a class i thought id hate about the atomic bombs, bringing trumans grandson to speak ---- what about my dad who stays chipper all teh while with hardly any many? the man who has nothing but when i tell him about semester at sea tells me , i dont care if u do it - we will just fill out the forms, i say i feel bad he says - dont its ur loans---- you'll figure a way to pay em back later and ive saved enoguh to give u money for food and life. my dad who has only been to canada encourgaing me to follow my dreams of working in europe - what about ash who uses the same slang as me? who has a sisterly bond with me who id lay down my own life for ? she helps me by just existing in this world - she held my hand ever weekend in germany - she didnt mind when i crawled into bed next to her and said ash i hate everything - she understood. what abotu phillipa who i didnt know two months ago but now shares stories about how to move on from ur ex but the hard part of ur heart that will forever love them? what about my mom and sister who call more than they really should but just to see if im ok? my mom who took care of him as if he was her own child who has now betrayed her too - hurting her favorite little person.... even mitzi hah- everytme i go home she looks at me like she is saying i love u laura everything is gonna be ok ---- and jordan who called me to remind me about the smashing pumpkins - and shayla who loves me and HAS been thru this before -who assures me its gonna be ok.... what about my friend from lebanon who ive never met in person telling me laura this is what u have to do now- all the while wishing the best for me
and AHMAD what about him?! who stayed with me EVERY night until 2 am when he first left just making sure i didnt go completely insane - even m**** 's own brother! he sends me mesgs saying laura i didnt see u this weekend looool i miss u !

even YANG - she let me know that she had the same problem but it might be ok - being careful not to say it ill but it might
even the sorority i hardly put much into telling me they thought i was so sweet ... even that can help a crappy day -
or my book - eat love pray - oh god i cannot thank the woman that wrote the book enough - she has given me a small sliver of hope that one day i can forgive everyone and everything including myself

im still sad after putting this all here - i still wanna talk to him - i still hate him for not accepting me as his friend on yahoo or in real life- for ignoring phone calls and messages, but now i wont try anymoe - he has my name and my number and all my contact info - if he wants im here... for now.
im stil gonna cry everyday , im still gonna break down on the boring weekends wishing everythign were the same , im still gonn aget jealous of my roomates and their beautifuls bfs and lives - but like my magnet says "happiness is not a destination it is a journey" maybe this is just the small bump in the journey - or maybe it is th ebig one? who really knows.... it reminds me of a part i love from the book i love - the medicine man saying he has been to heaven and he has been to hell and both of them are absolutely beautiful --- of course who would understand this? the man just says - well, the seven layers i went thru to get to heaven felt great, the seven layers to get to hell.... well ive never felt worse- so why would u end up in the same place and take the more difficult journey?
ponder that
:) :( :/

bhuta ia, dewa ia -
and it is so true

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 06:54:08 GMT

to be really frank and completely honest. i feel like shit without u here. come back .

i want my best friend back so bad

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 04:06:33 GMT

he left
forever
i have no words left to say

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 22:55:56 GMT

is truly alone right now. not the kind where u just say u are alone but truly truly alone in life.

i hope to someday find better ppl.

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 10:16:54 GMT

if one wish could be fulfilled in the world i would want you back to at least be my friend. i miss u so much... everyday is a struggle without talking to you. i am so sorry things had to end this way :( i wish u were still around. u were my best friend. i want to see u and hug u and hold u and tell u everything is going to be alright. i know that i will never have the opportunity to do that and i may not ever have the opportunity to talk to you at all. i am so tired of being sad about this. all day i try not to be but everything keeps reminding me of you. the mornings are the worst becuz i wake up and hope that maybe during the night u have sent me some sort of message or somthing and every morning it is a pain when i see that u havent. i miss so much what we had and the comfortability we found in each other. i miss you and everything about you. i loved you so much and now u are gone. i know that this happens throughout peoples lives i just had never imagined how bad it would really feel. i hope you come around some day and decide to talk to me again. i need that.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 12:23:39 GMT

I lost someone that was not only my boyfriend but also my best friend. although i do have other friends that have definitely come out of the woodwork and dramatically helped me during this time (mostly kara and ash, study abroad friends etc) it unfortunately does not replace the horrible feeling of losing someone that i was not only close with in words but in physicality. dear god plz help me. i am having such a hard time with this. i wake up, cry in the shower, go to scul - if i work out after then i hold the tears but if i come home then i cry again, or i cry AFTER wroking out... then i move on with my day and cry a shit load at night. how can my best friend be gone , god? i am praying every night and so are my friends.... and still i feel horrible. i want him to feel ok too. i dont want to spite him. but there was no need for him to turn off his phone completely forever. i HATE it that i remember all the words we have said to each other. i HATE it that i remember all the GOOD times we had together. i really wish i only rememberd the bad becuz then i dont feel like i would feel this much like shit. Dear god , how can it really be gone? how can he really be gone? i want to scream.... this isn't fair how can this happen. and i know there are harder things in life... and supposedly this is all gonna look comical when i look back on it but how , god , do i get thru this time? i am trying i swear i really am but the feelings in me hurt so bad.... it gets hard to try. i want my best friend back and i KNOW i cant have them back... it is the worst feeling in the world.

the whole stry

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 08:17:12 GMT

Dear ---

I have so many thoughts in my mind right now and I cannot find a way to put them all down in paper. We will probably

never speak as friends again so I will just have to right this out for myself. I am so disappointed in the way this turned out to be.

I wish I didn't remember every word you have ever said to me but I unfortunately do. You told me yourself that for me

I am not just a girl you dated but family. Now you have claimed that you do not even want to speak to me or my family

ever again. I know there are things you are going through right now that I supposedly could "never understand" but that does

NOT give you the right to treat me the way you treated me. Last Tuesday I heard words that I've never wanted to hear from anyone

in this world. (This is more for Kara's sake so I'll start with the whole story). I hadn't heard from you in a week. This normally

means that something has gone pretty wrong. However, I could not comprehend what was to come. I sent you a facebk

message asking if you could get the key from my roommmate. Then I ended up talking to osama online. I asked him

if he had heard from you in awhile and he said that yeah he had seen u at school and I commented that a week

is a long time not to talk to a friend. Then he started asking why I am not calling him my boyfriend anymore.

I know that m---- doesn't like me to talk to his friends about this stuff but i thought osama knew. Then I said

to osama that it is complicated and that he is going back home anyways etc etc. After that I knew that if osama talked to him

and told him our conversation he'd be all pissy. So i shot m--- a message saying that if osama talked to him

that i didn't tell him all the info and that i could explain. I went to bed cuz I never heard from him then he called me as I was

going to bed. He is so fucked up. At first we talked fine and normal - completely normal. Then he started asking

how osama and I had gotten into the conversation about me and him. That's where he went a bit crazy.

I told him that osama didn't just bring it up on his own and that i had asked where he was and whatnot. Well screw me

for being honest. Never again. Then he started screaming about why would i ask his friends things about us (our "relationship" )

and that he hated when i did that etc etc. Then i kept saying sorry sorry i didnt know. And he said that is cuz u are fucking

stupid. ........ I can't xplain to anyone how I felt when i heard that. Then he hung up on me. I had so much anger

and sadness and rage inside me. I tried to call back about 4 times and he kept hanging up on me everytime. Then

I sent him some texts saying that if he think he is so religious, it isn't right in any religion to call someone

fucking stupid and that i would never say that to anyone's face even if i thought they were. i told him that it made me feel

like i was pointless and piece of a shit and made me feel like i wanna die if im so pointless. I called him another time after that

and he answered. For the rest of my life this conversation will haunt and hurt me. He told me I couldnt scare him.

(I think he thought i was trying to say I wanna kill myself) and he said words to me that I will admit to very very few ppl.

he said ok fine then do it i wanna hear the sound of u dying.... he is insane. I just simple said morhaf you don't know what

you are talking about dont say that. Then he said laura I never wanna hear from you again or see you. I won't answer your

calls or talk to you ever again. I will not go out with you and your mom when you get back. I don't wanna see u or ur

family ever again. I was crying and a wreck at this point obviously, as I still am today. I told him that doesn't make any sense

and that he called me last week asking if I would go out with him and my mom to celebrate. He just said well im crazy

havent u ever heard of someone changing their mind? i changed my mind. There was nothing left to say which he

reitterated to me. He said nothing you say or do can change my mind everything between us is over. And he kept

repeating that nothing I do or say can change his mind. He said I do not want you to meet or take care of my brother when you

get back. (that had before been my job) Then he said again that we should never speak again and kept saying ok? ok?

How can i say ok to all this coming out of nowhere?! I didn't say ok I just said.... I need my bed back and my stuff

he said ok just call me when u get back and I will give it to you and give you the key from ur new room mate.

Then he said ok I am disconnecting the phone ... (that was after i asked if he was ok and he said no im not fucking ok

and that his life is shit and he felt like hell and that there were things going on in s.a. and that they are none of my

business and he is done with everything american.... which isn't true since he seems to be talking fine to everyone but me.)

he also told me he cudnt deal with me, my texts my whole thing and that he didn't want my gifts to him. well

that was the last time we spoke. and yes, all of you can say the same fucking things.... he was mean, why do u want him

he is leaving anyways blah blah blah YES I KNOW ALL THIS INFORMATION THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY FUCKING

EASIER. I iwsh i had never felt his fake love. I actually wish he had been an asshole ALL the time- and don't tell me he was. yeah

a lot of the time but not allll the time. And when it was good i was the happiest person on the earth. THAT MAKES ME SICK.

HE TOLD ME I WAS MORE THEN JUST A GIRL HE DATED, THAT I WAS FAMILY - WELL WHAT IS THIS?! HE SAID TO ME

IN THE AIRPORT "I'LL BE WAITING HERE FOR YOU IN CHCIAGO WHEN YOU GET BACK.... WELLLL WUTTTT THE FUCK

IS THIS?! the worst part is I KNOW he doesn't feel half as bad as I do now. He isn't crying about this. Oh no...

he knows that this is life blah blah blah and that he has to do what is best FOR HIM. well fuck that , fuck the way i feel ,

fuck his country and fuck the bastards that started to rule over it in the 1900s. YOU PPL DONT KNOW SHIT. LOOK AROUND YOU

IS THERE ANY OTHER FUCKING COUNTRY ACTING THE WAY YOU ARE???!!!! NO NO THERE IS NOT. God damn it that country

has turned everyone inside of it into fucking psychos. HELP YOUR PPL . yes obviously m---is mostly to blame for his

horribe horrible behaviro for a 26 yr old. i wrote him a very heartfelt and not too nice , not too mean message on facebk

of course he didnt answer it. YOU HAVE TAKEN ALL EMOTIONS AWAY FROM YOUR PPL AND YOU THINK YOUR A RELIGIOUS

COUNTRY Well MY GOD EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IS MORE RELIGIOUS THAN YOU AND THE CRUEL THINGS YOU DO TO YOUR PPL.

he is to blame partly btu if you were raised in that hell hole of a place you'd probably be nuts too. This doesn't make me

feel any better or any worse . i still wish i knew what had sparked his moments of insanity. I will probably never speak to him

again. and yes, you can all say that is for the better.... btu do you THINk it feels like that for me?! this absolutely 100 percent

sucks. thank you god for my friends and for my family that are supporting me through this time and especially to those

who are doing it anyways even though they have no idea how it feels and cant understand. however, unfortunately,

there is nothing anyone can do or say that can make me feel better about the fact that someone i used to be best friends with

has gone insane and wont speak to me at all. supposedly it will get better with time. we will see. i will need a lot of time

ill jsut keep praying and keep doing my best but i must admit my best isnt all that great. i cry a lot . a lot a lot.

and he doesnt even fucking care- thatz the worst part.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:49:59 GMT

well i am kinda glad that no one but kara reads this becuz i need to just write and not care what anyone thinks of it.

i havent been writing for awhile cuz ive been sad about something and although i usually only write when i'm sad i think i was

afraid to put it all down in words like i normally do. and another thing... i didnt want to sound like i wasnt having a good time

studying abroad cuz i truly am but that is a totally different story. as kara said you have to seperate your germany life and your

real life. well what i want to write about now is real life.... and i've been ignoring it for some time but now i am going home

in one month so i need to prepare for the fact that this is real and true. this is it and i have no power to change it.

one year ago i met him. if you wanna be xact one year and six months ago this coming july 15th. one year ago we met. one year

ago i didnt think we would stay together for so long. two or three months in i fell in love. four or five months in it was hard to tell

if he loved me as much as he said he did at the start. six months in we got to comfortable... 6 and 7 and 8 months in we started

fighting and chose to live with each other anyways, we realized we had no future, i stuck around anyways. we fought every day

but layed contently in each others arms every night. 9 months in i realized he probably had other girls waiting for him

at home.... i still dont know... dont they all supposedly? all the foreign guys i mean? easter was great my birthday was ok

he told me on my birthday he was going to stop talking to her... he did for a few months until they had to work together...

a few months later i realized his cousin could be a potential threat... in the summer i met his other cousin... we became close

because he was always grumpy or sleeping. we continued to fight about sleeping in too late. in september was the wedding. he

was great. my grandma fell and couldnt come to the wedding. he handled himself perfectly. i didnt thank him enough

for half the things he did for me. ramadan came in the fall. no touching. after ramadan i became more aware of his

cousin who was/is potentially a threat to me...? we still "loved" each other but the fights got worse. it didn't matter cuz

we kno each other so well (or maybe we diddd know each other so well) november i was accepted to study abraod

i believed it would push me to completely get over him... btu instead i spent the next months worried about leaving him.

he showed little emotion about it except for late at night in his bed in his arms. until i really went. xmas he fucked things

up. i also overreacted... beginning of xmas break we went to disney on the best trip ever- all was well. he began to get

very homesick... i had no compassion until ive spent time here and realized what itz like to be homesick... during this time

we both grew older... over xmas we almost broke up ... didnt talk for two weeks... he came back and trusting was hard again

and still is. i will never ever trust anyone in the world so easily anymoer. it changed things. but again it didnt matter

becuz we still helped each other, loved each other, spent time wth each other. we still went out together , slept together. did

everything together. jim became a small problem. jim went away as a problem. i was in a sorroity. he was proud.

had a week 1st anniversary as we had just gotten back together and a pretty poor valentines day as well but

they were still there. march began the love and the dislove....still unsure about that cousin but she lives there and i live here

and shudnt he be getting ready for his real life anyways? so how can i blame him... he will have to get married to someone

there and i am here. and no one there would ever accept me anyways.... that doesnt mean i accept this... even tho i knew

these consequences and went with them anyways... march he realized i was leaving ... we grew very close agan. every night

in his bed. everyday with him every weekend with him. st particks day parade- i found out he betrayed me. he cried

he said sorry... i could only forgive him cuz i saw how badly he felt. it still hurts me. neither of us are perfect. perhaps,

ive betrayed him before? now i am here. in germany. i had hoped this would help me to get over him it turned out it just made

us want to be closer together again. then after i came back from romania something happened. something cultural

something out of both of our hands. no longer could we live together when i came back. no longer could i have anything

when i came back... and we can't do anything about it. he is leaving anyways. and i am not . i am going back

to america and staying there for awhile. itz my home. but will it feel like my home in chicago without him there?

ive only known a chicago with him... i need to feel something. i used to not be so stiff. i could hold a hand with ease

i tried it , just holding someones hand,.... it was a week and limp attempt.... i need his touch and i may not get that

i need his hug his kiss, i need to see hime see me. i need to realize that maybe none of those things are possible

i need to realize it may be over. the dreams of him picking me up at the airport may be broken. we had to move farther apart.

i didnt get a chance to properly say goodbye to him. i didnt kno that our last kiss was our last kiss. i cried then and im crying

now. has it been a good thing to go away? for many reasons yes... and for many reasons no... how could i leave him when

i knew that he would only be with me for a few more months? but did i have to do this to grow? yes. yes. i absolutely did.

have i grown? yes, i absolutely have. no one can know the future but god... i dont and u dont but i can hope ... i can hope

for a better future. it is not like my life is horrible and awful. i have family friends goals. but it is different once u have loved

it is hard to compartmentalize things but if being here has done anything it has greatly helped me learn how to do that.

does that mean i never break down and cry? no no not at all. everyone has to cry sometimes. i used to all the time and

then i controlled it. but that doesnt mean i can always stay strong. i am human and i have loved before. if you have ever

loved u have cried as well... that i am sure of. so maybe i wont get to feel his touch but at least i have met the first person i

have loved. supposeduly if this happens u learn from them and the next person u love u are able to handle better

i wish i didnt have to think i would have to meet a different person to love... btu this is life and everything

happens for a reason... so i'll take what i can get , try to wipe my teats away and wait for the future while moving ahead

i have to smile.

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:51:57 GMT

part of me doesnt want to write this at all because i know it will be one big cry fest but the other half of me knows that part of

healing is the part where u get out all of those things that u need to. this is a message to myself and to others everywhere.

if you think you have someone good by your side in the slightest bit than chances are you probably do. if you know your time

with them will be short then spend every minute together that time allows you to spend without going to the extent of making

each other feel irritated. Love unconditionally even through the hardest of times because when it is all over you will think about

the little things that made you mad and realize they weren't that big of a deal in the first place. Take every chance you can get

to hug and kiss the one your with. Make sure they feel your love just as much as you want to feel their love because once

it is gone , it is gone. Remember that it is ok to fight but there is no reason in the world to hold a grudge against someone for

anything if you truly love them with all your heart. Enjoy the simplest things because in the end you can't have those back either.

Live for the times you are holding each others hands, looking into each others eyes, kissing, making love, fighting, talking

eating shopping, even riding the train. those are special moments that can be gone forever in an instant. make every day count

with the one you love. If there love runs out then dont be shy to use urs. It's ok to love in different degrees than another person.

Never ever ever take anything for granted when it involves someone you care about. NEVER ... because you will feel like shit

when it is gone and you didn't appreciate it enough. LIVE FOR THE DAYS YOU HAVE. if you EVER meet anyone who u think u love

who has a time limit on how long they are gonna be with you.... do not start counting the days, do not start worrying about the

future, do not start to think about what u will miss from the past. JUST LIVE IN THE MOMENT WITH THEM. Because one day

it will go away and when that happens you will feel how hard it is go get onto your own two feet again.

dont be afraid to feel like that. there is no worse feeling in the wrold but when you feel like that then you know, u know

inside of ur heart, that u loved someone with all the power u had, u know u would have given them anything.

That is love. Loving someone does not always mean being with them in the end. Many people lose lovers throughout their

lives , for unkown circumstances. It is hard to find a reason as to why this has to happen to ppl, good ppl nonetheless.

However, somewhere down the road God will have an answer... I may not feel it now but i trust that it will come.

I miss him and want him and need him and would love to touch him and hold him and talk to him more than I want anything

else in the whole entire world. But from each situation we gather little bits of information, little purposes along the road.

I wouldn't know about islam and I wouldn't be able to spout off about saudi arabia if I had not met him.

I hope that this will help both the future of Islam and the future of Saudi Arabia some day no matter

how minute it may be. God bless Islam , salam alaykum ... allah akbar , i hope i can teach ppl about the wonders or islam

someday but I also hope that saudi arabia learns that it is far too extreme. Your country broke my heart and something

will have to be changed in my lifetime....

Thu, 29 May 2008 20:38:25 GMT

I dreamed of things differently. I KNEW things would end this way i just didnt think it would happen so soon. but i DREAMED that it would be different. i made up a lot of plans , and a lot of thoughts in my head. I tried to be the best i could be for him. I bragged about him to all my friends. I loved him with all my heart. i dont kno on what level and i dont know for how long but he loved me too for a little bit and that feeling is something i want back so badly, but i cannot have it back. fucking culture. im so upset. i dreamed of me coming to the airport and it just being him right there standing waiting for me , smiling :) then we would go out for indian food while we couldnt stop hugging and kissing each other cuz we missed each other so much and then we would just have to go back to my place and we would sleep and hug for 3 nights and 2 days before we finally decided we should get up and do something. then we would just keep going out and eating and sleeping and playing with each other. we would celebrate these last few weeks that he would be here. it would be hard but it was what i was looking forward to. Now that has been ripped away from me because one stupid girl didn't know enough to keep her mouth closed. I promise that very few ppl have been in my exact situation before. itz hard for two ppl to love each other when one's mother is out looking for a partner for their son. i didnt even wanna think about who he will spend the rest of his life with. all i know is that it doesnt get to be me. another woman will love him and take care of him and they will have jobs and children and go on vacations together. they will play the same games together that he played with me and he will put his whole heart into this other relationship. that makes me feel like shit. i feel like im the stupid american that he accidentally fell into dating. it is an awful feeling. i want my friend and boyfriend back. plz god give me just august . thatz all

Sat, 10 May 2008 22:48:17 GMT

I cant stop thinking. I really really really hope this is not the last time we talk. I didnt mean for anything to go wrong between us. he is being an asshole and yet i still really love him, if this is what he is going to use to end everything between us i guess in the end he isnt worth it at all but unfortunately it doesnt make it hurt any less. my mind just keeps going back to things about him and how he and i have helped each other out. right now im crying and i feel so lonely. i keep thinking of when he was so lonely becuz his aunt died. i went to his house and we were playing games on the computer to distract him. then he just started to cry. and i held him in my arms for a long time and told him that she is in heaven now and she is safe. i wish he would hold me. im crying and nobody is holding me. im lonely and nobody is comforting me. (-kara) i want him back. i dont want to have ruined everything. please god. give him back to me... i cant take this

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 08:38:44 GMT

I'm mad right now - why cant ppl ever pull thru on what they say they are gonna do? I never ditch you, i NEVER forget about u, i NEVER forget to call or anything - this is bullshit- i deserve better than this. I'm a nice person with good morals and a loving heart and right now ur just being a fuckin asshole. fuck ur moods -u kno i love you but the moods suck . i nver kno what u are thinkin or anything and it makes me feel sick to my stomach - i sit there tryin to enjoy the night but how can i when im waiting for ur fuckin call? normal bfs are able to at least pull thru on that. i guess ur just different. ur out at a club right now partying- ignoring me. hell , youve prob met some girl that u can go out with and now u are ignorin my fone calls. that is AWESOME what an asshole. there are so many things i wanted to share with you before i leave but u dont seem very interested. apparently ur more interested in clubbin and meetin indian girls than me. oh well. some day the tables will turn and you will love someone and they wont really love u back. they will jsut be using u for their own sake
they wont care
u just wait and see... be careful cuz what comes around goes around .
what happnes to u? half the time ur so wonderful and nice and loving and the other half u make me wanna jsut sit in bed and cry... thatz really sucky of u. :( u could at least just say goonight sweetie or something, at least instead of totally ignoring me. that makes me feel great when i go to bed feeling like no one in the world cares about me :( i really hate it - i really really do.
plz help me to feel worthwhile again. i dont wanna feel useless i really really hate it.
i swear if ur rude tomorrow that will hurt my heart too bad- plz love me the way i love u , or at least pretend to for these last 3 weeks :(

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 08:05:14 GMT

i want no negativity from anyone commenting on my saying this because it will only make how i feel worse.

I will miss him so so so so so so so so so so so much- I got more info for germany tonight and I swear im gonna miss him more than anyone knows. I know there were a lot of hard times between us but there was also a lot of joy. ive never connected with anyone on that level the way i connected with him. Forget all the bullshit and all the other guys that ive crushed on. None of them have been here for me in the way that he is. in the crazy backsided way that me and him have been there for each other. I love him with all my heart and I really felt something between us - leaving him is starting to feel wrong but I know it is something that I have to do:( I will miss his smile and his face and his laugh and his voice and his teasing, I will miss eating indian food on the floor with him. I'll miss shopping with him , i'll miss our trip to disney world - I'll miss how pissed off I got that his house got so dirty - I'll miss how he pretned he's gonna crush me and jump on me before he gets into bed. I'll miss the way he jokes around and pretends to be "sexy" haha - I'll miss the way he tells me about his day. I'll miss the way he looks when he's concentrating , I'll miss the inside jokes we shared together I'll miss sooo much about him. I wont forget him in any way shape or form because i felt that he was my true love and I'll so much miss the way he would just hug me while I'm sleeping and nothing else in the world seemed to matter anymore cuz his arms were around me

my battery is running out - more tomorrow

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 08:06:02 GMT

Tonight I felt something that I had not felt in a long time. In a very very very very long time. I felt used. I felt totally and completely used and walked all over. So now I am here to confirm to girls out there the fact is that although they may play the game differently at one point or another they all just want the general same thing out of it. Plus they arent even trying hard to romance u and get you in bed. No no no - they want something easy - the easiest way to have something easy is that stupid stupid stupid four letter word... LOVE. If they can pretend that then they are able to have u there for them all the time and are able to do whatever they want to you, perhaps dump you on your feet and tell you whooooops turns out after all they dont actually BELIEVE in love. whooooops , you can never be together, they thought u were someone different, the list can go on and on and on. While stupid little you is there bending this way and that cuz hey you THINK you are in love with someone that you sorta THINK loves you too.... well then the clever guy is there seeing that he has attained what he wanted and his only complication.... the very fact that you do love him the way you do. SO .... it becomes very hard not to want to become bitter and like him in nature and not care about anyone either but be careful of doing this cuz there is that one guy out there waiting for you.... or so they say....but the problem with that my friend, well that might not be true either.
Funny thing - they could ask you why you are always sad. Perhaps it's kinda hard to be miss sunshine when mr changeable is over there talkin about whats right and whats wrong which,,,, btw, doesnt matter in the end cuz again, whoops turns out those miles will get yah and u just could never be together... but wait doesnt love bring everyone together even under the hardest of circumstance? Why no, no not at all. First of all it's a little hard when they dont really want to be loving you anyhow. Maybe they want their EX gf? or their cousin? whooooo knows- allz i kno is that even if none of these things are what they want it doesnt matter cuz they wont LOVE a single one of them. If you meet one of these guys who doesnt love plz do not stay in the situation. get yourself out of it before it gets too deep because altho it sounds like a situation no one would ever put themselves in , it is much harder to get out of then one could imagine. So wipe away your tears (they'll get mad at you for them anyways and that isnt a help) stop buying hats, man jewelry, watches, shirts etc, stop buying the xmas present of their dreams, inviting them to see your family and celebrate with you, stop going to their house when they ask you to, stop helping them with laundry , stop being a good person in front of their friends, stop reading hw with them at 2 am when u should be sleeping, stop calling them cuz u just want to HEAR their voice - stop doing all of these things or other such things that would go along with this cuz u should get the point- THEY WILL NEVER CARE. THEY NEVER LOVED YOU ANYHOW. so plz everyone save yourself the pain, wait to date til your 30 and ur sure you can detect this type of guy off the bat - dont waste a yr of ur precious life being with someone who u love and who u just THINK loves you. no no stop doing that rite this second and move on and foward and try to forget that at one point this type of person ever pulled u down - itz hard cuz their will still be the cute little memories but u kno what - those were left there on accident - the pain u feel is what is there on purpose- so after a few months i kno that i will never forget him but at least i'll know that this is just one less guy that god wanted for me becuz he has something greater planned. This is the world's way of helping us kno who we are and helping us learn self-respect for ourselves. This is one more type of guy i kno that i need to stay clear of so that in its own is a little bit of help so god bless and good luck to those who r trying their hardest to not get into this and god bless twice as much those that are in this and cant seem to get out and god bless THREE times as much those that are in this and truly believe it will work :(

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:53:11 GMT

i feel like i may die soon :(

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 09:50:08 GMT

sometimes people that leap and jump and bound into the front door of your life with energy and compassion exit out of the other door with strength, silence, and walk in a direction which you may never see.

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 06:54:08 GMT

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?:
also fell in love. got knocked out of love while still being in love. went cross country skiing. had my first valentines day with a boy i love/d. had my first bday with a boy i love/d. ... my first walk on the beach, my sixth yet first with above boy- vacation to disney, my first apartment shared with said boy, my first series of anniversaries, my sisters wedding celebrated with boy, my first time feeling more crushed than i ever have in me entire life becuz of boy. basically a lot of firsts.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:
I hate new years and I will not be celebrating it and prob did not celebrate last year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
ppl from carmel have babies a lot. other than that- no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?:
fortunately no, but unfortunately , similar to kara- i feel as though someone did too

5. What countries did you visit?:
soon I will be travelling all over but nothing for 2007. oh well.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?:
i want everything BACK that i had in 2007. i was fortunate and didnt lack much.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
I will remember january 15th 2007 for the rest of my life. thank you for that.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:
loving someone with my whole heart and be "ok" at containg myself when they didnt need my love anymore.

9. What was your biggest failure?:
Not knowing when to take a hint and stop and hanging on to things that I know could never come true.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
only a hurt heart.... oops and an entire stomach disorder - but that hurts less than this.

11. What was the best thing you bought?:
i didnt buy anything that kewl but i got a new ipod nano for xmas so thatz kewl

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?:
surprsingly enough all of my old h.s. friends - and pinar and ash who are there forever and always

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?:
morhaf

14. Where did most of your money go?:
food , food , food - and gifts for someone who didnt appreciate it

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
basically anything to do with travelling or morhaf. - i guess those days are over now

16. What songs will always remind you of 2007?:
anything to do with morhaf
anything arabic
umbrella
calabria
anything else stan and i randomly sing

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i) ...happier or sadder?:
uh... bad time to ask - maybe winters just always suck?

ii) thinner or fatter?:
same i think or prob fatter lol

iii) richer or poorer?:
I'M richer but my fam is poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
Exercise. enjoy my time. quit the fights. love harder deeper better with no obstacles in my way

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
fighting and crying

20. How will you be spending Christmas?:
I dont wanna talk about xmas other than saying happy birthday baby jesus

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?:
I did.

23. How many one night stands?:
Zero.

24. What were your favorite TV programs?:
greys anatomy and travel channel and court tv and the news and seinfeld

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:
i think someone hates me and i dont know if i hate them

26. What was the best book you read?:
pretty much everything i read was good. mostly cuz i mainly read travel books

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
ummm.... the fact i never knew i loved reggae so much. i mean i always loved it but never as much as i knew i could

28. What did you want and get?:
an ipod. a bf but now hez gone forever and not speakin to me and i didnt quite wnat that

29. What did you want and not get?:
id have to agree with closure and the fact that we would never go anywhere.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?:
i saw too many. but i am legend was good for marley influence

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
i was 19 and still am haha and i had 3 parties so that was kewl - and we did the espn zone with bf and chicago friends, suburb party with the regular crew, and zoo and kanzaman restaurant and hookah with the fam cuz it was my bday and mothers day and my sisters and dads 2 days later haha

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
not losing you.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?:
umm... i dress ok... pretty typical chicago dress i guess.

34. What kept you sane?:
exercise, music , movies, being me . and each person had their own time

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
ok kara they caught me... billy and enrique

36. What political issue stirred you the most?:
hahaha everything political stirs me up like no other.

37. Who did you miss?:
well i miss him more than anything

38. Who was the best new person you met?:
everyone at school and stan and my ex bf :(

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
u cant do anything in this world if u cant laugh about it and u cant laugh about anything if you do nothing.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
garden party- "well it's alright now. i learned my lesson well. you cant please everyone so you got to please yourself"

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 02:35:10 GMT

Right now I hate you for doing this. I hate it so much. I hate it that you dont think im greatful. I hate being hidden from other people. I hate being quiet while ur on the phone. I hate all of that. I hate that I tried to understand your holidays and you dont respect mine. I hate that every new years of my life has sucked. I hate how alone I feel sometimes. I hate wondering my future with you.... like its actually something to wonder. It's obvious that you will leave me. You probably have your own girlfriend at home. Your parents would never accept me. Your family wouldnt like my family. I hate that I love you. I hate the lectures. I hate feeling pressured to do everything right. I hate it that I can only feel like I depend on you and when times come when ur being undependable I have no one and I break down. I hate crying as much as you think I love it. I hate it when the people around me dont understand that this isnt always easy. I hate it when ur friends take u away from me when I need you the most. I'm so tired ... I'm so so so so so so tired. I'm starting to feel so lifeless again. and i dont want to because I love you so much... this is so fucked up. I hate falling in love.... it is the worst thing ever.
I just wish someday someone would understand

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 01:28:31 GMT

What if you knew of some people very well and they didnt know of you? what if you knew they would never know of you? that you are invisible to them? to them your name will never mean anything. they dont know about your life events but you know about theirs.
what if you loved someone but knew you shouldnt? what if you knew they hid so much from you but were too afraid to ask ? what if you knew that sometime soon that very person would leave ur life forever ? You knew that you might not talk to them or if you did it would be talk about their marriage and their children and their new life without you... What if you knew you never even had a chance to try to make everyone around them like you?
you give up a year of your life , you put everything on hold , you pur your heart out to one person, who will never be there for you , who can not be there for you. who will give you no chance of being there

but the hardest part is that they keep stayin there with you and you keep stayin there with them

ok i cant even continue this

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 05:53:16 GMT

no one could understand the hate i have for a country that has ruined everything for me

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 06:47:12 GMT

I'm going through a really hard time right now. Maybe it doesnt seem like it but I really really am. I feel so disconnected from everyone else. And I'm really feeling like I dont know who I am anymore. I'm getting sick of leading a double life. I have no idea what to do. The thought of being alone kills me, it really does , and that is the problem- is that it always has. I shouldnt have to feel like I'm stuck with one person just because I dont want to be alone but the problem is so much worse this time. This time I'm actually in love with that person, the hard part and the toughest thing to say is that lately I dont know why I'm in love with them. I'm so sick of always feeling wrong and being put down and I'm so sick of keepin my home friends seperate from him. sometimes i feel like there is nothing left for us to talk about anymore. I start to feel like he just views me as his time waster whiles hez here. I dont want to be that at all. I know so much more than he knows I do and that is fuckin hard too. itz like there is no communication when hez away and when we are together everything is good for the first 5 hours but then there always has to be a problem. maybe I dont do everything right but who does? I really want us to work out for the best -I understand that we could never be together long term but then for the moment we should enjoy what we have but Im not really enjoyin it. even though i know he cares about me more than anyone else has or maybe ever will I also know the saying that there is a very fine line between love and hate. I am just getting friends back that I have ignored for months. even though he would say they are bad ppl to me this only shows that they will be behind me every step of the way even if i stupidly turn my back on them. these are ppl that are going to be here , in america nontheless haha, standing behind me and living with me .
I hate how good things are in the beginning. that is the love I want back more than anything. I felt sooooo good back then. Better than I've felt in my entire life. too bad that now I realize half of what was said were lies. I also hate myself for even writing this , I feel like I am trying to say to everyone how bad he is when that isnt my intention at all. he isn't a bad person. he's the only guy ive ever loved like this. and i know that there is still a lot that he would do for me. I'm just worn down and tired of being the one to try and keep this going. really all i need is some positive reinforcement on his part.
i know that it is hard on him especially now with his cousin living here and everything and havin to take care of him too but if they could just try a littttle harder not to make me feel like such an outsider. it's sad that i feel like i fit in better than ever with old friends i hardly see then with my bf who i was livin with for months. i dont want this relationship to turn to hidden secrets and lies.
ahhhhhh - why is this so hard and confusing?
well whatever -i trust that everything will work itself out for the better - i just hope that the time comes soon , and im hoping for the good , i cant handle a break up at this point - so pleez god make him be the loving guy that i met , not the dictator that ive learned him to be :/

very long

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 17:00:20 GMT

Every story or situation has two or more parts, two or more angles, two or more ways of looking at it and approaching it. Every situation has pros and cons, some more than others. And in the end in the back of a person's mind they nearly always know how the situation will end. Even if they don't want to admit it, they know that they know. So how come they don't do something about it? Well because if the person were to do something about it right then that little 1% that something other than the expected outcome would turn into a 0%.
Love is all the wonderful things everyone says that it is. But it also sucks. It makes a person blind and naive and unable to understand the right thing to do. It makes them cling on to hopeless attempts and the most unfortunate thing with love is that the "right" answer on what to do isn't always the "best" answer. All love is complicated but some situations prove to be more complicated than others. For example, I didn't wake up one morning and think to myself, "Today I hope I meet a man from Saudi Arabia and fall in love with him even though his family would never accept me and deep down it would never work out, but hey I hope I fall in love with him anyways, just to cause both of us a little bit of heartache." No. It wasn't like that at all. It seemed simple and easy, almost stupid when it began. It wasn't a guy from far away and it wasn't an emotional girl knowing that soon she would become too attached. It was a older guy and a younger girl just wanting to have fun. Just deciding to meet up for the hell of it and to not really care about the other person in any other terms than simply having fun with them. I wasn't about to change my ways. I wasn't thinking about his religion or his lifestyle. It was easy in the beginning. He was a guy and he was handsome and we had some fun together- enough to make a quasi-relationship. In the beginning I was worried that HE liked me more than I liked him. Looking back on it, it wasn't true and it was only to make the relationship progress which somehow didn't take more than two weeks. We argued about everything from the very start so how or why we ever thought it was a good idea to bring ourselves into the close relationship that now is , I think, is almost beyond both of us. I am almost sure we didn't know that we would fall in love with each other. And how different things turned out to be ! I cannot for the hell of me get out of my mind the 3rd or 4th time we saw each other, lying in my bed, when IIII was the one who turned to him and said, "We would never make it very far because we could never get married." and then he asked me why I thought that and my best answer was just "ha, cuz we are too different." I didn't know that only a month or so later I would be hoping the opposite and mostly in vain because now the ironic part is that I would want that to happen but it still remains true that "we are too different." Even though in my mind it isn't he and I that our too different, it is our countries that are too different. If people only knew how sick I am of meeting people that will move away forever.
Then real love started and now this is all the trouble. I also remember the exact moment and location that I realized I was in trouble. We were walking in the cold and just the look in his eye made me know that I could love him forever and ever and ever. I wasn't preoccupied then with the fact that sometimes love doesn't last forever and other times people are torn from their love. In the start of what can turn out to be something awful it was mostly fun and bliss with the exception of the daily fights and stupid bickering that would soon escalate into higher things while love would and does still blind me.
After we had been together for over two months I started to think about and dread the fact that he would someday leave me behind. Mostly it hurt to think that while he hadn't lost his friends back in Saudi Arabia and would be able to return back to them and his family, which I can't deny of course would be such a happy thing for him, then he could get married and move on with his life and I started to realize that in his mind I would only be "the crying and fighting girl that I accidentally fell in love with and was with for a very short period of my life while I was in America." While on the other hand I have built my life around him and when he leaves Chicago I could be almost without any friends because I have pushed them all away in an effort to get to know him more closely.
The next point that sticks out in my mind with this fear looming over me of him leaving me forever was the day that we, again, laid in my bed and he said to me that "at this moment" he couldn't imagine that we could ever stay together so getting married is pretty much an impossibility unless something changes. He said that if I go he would understand and that he wouldn't be mad and we could still try and be friends. And OF COURSE I felt that letting him go would be the best and healthiest for both he and I but how can someone do that when they are in love? That is why love is the most dangerous emotion in the world. I think that the craziest decisions are made when you are in this state and maybe I am actually blessed that love never came to me until now because I cannot imagine dealing with it when I was any younger.
As much as love can drive people together it can also drive people apart. When you are in a love that you know won't work out, I think that you start looking for reasons to end it. And that is where the picking on me began. As much as the picking began is as much as I started to wonder if I should really just save myself the time, as I know he will leave in a yr or less and we will most likely never see each other again. Soon it began that I was not smart enough, not outgoing enough, not strong enough, not exciting enough. Then it came down to the fact that he had just gotten bored of me. And at that time you would never believe how much I wished that I had the same attitude towards him as I did in the beginning. And more than that I wished that I had never fallen so deeply in love with this boy who could never be wrong. But at each accusation I only tried to make it better and to improve because love drives you to do things that in the past you would have never bothered to do. Then his religion started to make the best of me too curious. And, at his great exasperation, I started to look things up about it and to almost try to practice it, instead of to ask him. Although he thinks it is maybe the most stupid thing that I don't ask him about it, I have to admit that I feel that religion is too personal a journey to share deeply with others. Which is strange for me because I am the kind of person that thinks it is stupid to Not share anything but religion is my one exception. I want to look at religion in it's most unbiased form and, to me, doing that means focusing in on it on my own. In the beginning my search through Islam was only to make myself feel that I could better understand his ways and better understand everything about him in general. I wanted to feel closer to the only person I had ever loved by getting to know them sooo much in depth. By the end (or beginning, whichever way you want to look at it) of my search of his religion it became that I wasn't so much doing it for him as I was doing it for myself. Now here I am, the girl who didn't care about religion, who would have loved to have been brave enough to make that next step towards death, the girl who was so pissed of with men that she loaded up a water bottle full of vodka every morning, and who thought that a good day wasn't a good day unless something green were involved. Now I have cut back on all of those things and don't even touch anything green. I started to realize how idiotic some decisions that were made among me and my friends really were and now I am just dying to convert. Converting isn't for him and I want that to be the main thing that is understood in everyone's mind and in mine as well. Now, not only have a shaped my lifestyle in a better way but I also feel it is my only hope in things to come. Although I live each day knowing that he will leave and that some day we will both have families of our own, seperate from one another, I also live each day praying to Allah for a change in hopes that we will have our own family together. Although I wake up each morning hating him for picking on me day after day and night after night, I still wake up loving him just as much as hating him and still yet praying to Allah that I can do all that he thinks right in his mind for me to stay with him. Although I wake up every morning and know that even if something progressed, his family most likely would not accept me for who I am and where I'm from, I pray to Allah for a change and for everyone to grow in like with each other. Although I wake up every morning hoping that some day he would accept my friends even with their idiotic decisions and I know that he never will, I pray to Allah that my friends will improve themselves and that he will try to like them just out of his love for me. Although every day it is evident that we struggle more and more with each other and that boredom can come upon him very quickly, I pray to Allah that he will love me with as much urge and devotion and compassion as he did in the beginning. I have common sense and my common sense tells me that he will leave. That it IS a fact and that our love will only be a period of time in which we tried with all of our efforts to love each other fully and without selfishness. I have knowledge that when he leaves it will take me a very long time to get over him and that as much as I want to, I will never forget him or forget the yr or two when I met this man from too far away. I have the knowledge that even if we both tried very hard our fighting and bickering will never cease until the last second that he boards that airplane. I know that my going to Germany may bring us farther apart and I know that in the back of my mind I am doing that to escape the fact that he will leave me forever and will leave my family wondering why he ever bothered to date me for so long if he knew that he couldn't be with me forever. I know that I am not really visiting Germany to study. I am escaping to Germany to try to fall out of love which I also know is almost impossible unless drastic measures are taken. However, even with all this knowledge of all these things, even with me sitting in his kitchen right now and righting this, irritated because of another bicker and ready to break out in big fat tears but holding it in because the person I love gets upset when I cry, I still am blinded by love and feel that harder work can be applied but is not enough and that prayers can be the only answers to my dreams. So with all of that in my mind, instead of leaving him, I will stay here and wait for my faith to carry me on.

wow

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 08:30:06 GMT

so itz 138 am rite now and honestly in a way i wish i were either sitll out or doing hw. i wish i were doin hw becuz then tomorrow it wud be done, but i probably will not be able to do it now cuz i have taken my meds but i mite give the john the baptist paper a shot.
~transferring to depaul, in only around 3 weeks of being here , has not only helped to enhance my knowledge and even "wisdom" of the world but to truly gain happiness and to grasp different concepts than one can think are even available to grasp. for once in my life i feel refreshed. and if u kno me then i think that u can know that truly refreshed shud be a word of great great meaning. not only am i in love with what i am studying , being international studies, i now have friends that are , for the most part, internatinals, and an insight into my line of work. i can now debate on questions and answers concerning global affairs and friends that show me a first degree account of just what i am talking about.
nationalty

ethnic diversity

and

globalism

these are my three favorite words- not only are they important words to know they are words you should not only know but should be wondering at. there is no such definition for each of these except for one's "own definition."

as an american i am not sure if i should be ashamed or proud. i am not sure if i should be supportive or against. america is not holding together to be the strong nation that we should be but instead we are going through its trivial time in the life of really anything where you need to decide if it is really working- if we really are what we say we are .... the strongest country.... the most economically correct, the fairest system. and we all say that while still sending men to iraq, large numbers of them getting killed in OUR (AMERICA'S) efforts to stop another countries way of life, another countries ETHNIC IDENTITY. I find importance in sayin that national identity is so clearly unstable while ethnic identity screams stability from one decade to another. national identity changes with the flow of that countries pursuits, one year the national pride may be great, while the next year the national pride may be low, and most likely for good reason ~ i dont know many parents that would like for their boys to get killed in an effort to change something that is unchangeable - to be fighting in a circular motion and to be pushin OUR national pride onto their grounds (that of which is weaker,meaning our national pride) and trying to change their ethnic identity which is and always will be solidified and passed on , clearly any 3rd world nation cannot be thought of as anything but, instead of being 3rd world, the best in terms of willpower , in terms of obedience and in terms of classification with one another and group prevalence. but no, i have found that most americans (note that i said most and not all) have now decided that no longer is globalism a wonderful quality in order to spread business and trade throughout the world but instead globalism is now a means to slander other countries, to wave our flags with the way that america is the best ~even though we are the most hated country in the enttttire world! we need to make peace and to lower our egos but this can be a difficult feat , i am not saying that i hate being american , nor that i hate americans, i fully believe that yes we do have the best economy (well that we can hope for , for the time being) and I can even go so far as to say that yes it is true that i am not even fully sure that we should ever give up the war in iraq. this statement being blatantly controversial but we must keep in mind , how will other countries with such great ethinic identities and proportions think of our country and what would they think of our national pride if we were to just start something and then shimmy our way out of fighting our battle to the last moment. on the other hand it is a battle that can truly never end . to change the ethnic identity of another country and to push our thoughts onto them is like trying to teach a child all of the rules and powers of americans in one single sitting. this clearly would not work ( note-mostly because of our ego)

again- i hate to sound so cynical towards americans but i have gained an extreme exposure to people of much different identities than i have and i must say that i am truly jealous of most of them - while most have wonderful ethnic identities of which cannot be changed , all i have to account for is myself and not even the fact that i am "an american" but just that yes i am from america and welcome and good luck in this country i live in. it is still the country full of the most opportunities, which hopefully will never change but because of this we are able to have the best melting pot i have ever seen in my life. i have not done extreme amounts of travelling myself but even from meeting the slew of foreign ppl that i have sumhow attracted adn become friends with , and my trips to england and ireland i am able to see that other countries do not have this great advantage therefore leaving me to once again ponder if i am "proud to be an american" or just happy that i am able to be in this free country OF america.

the foreign friends that i have gained have also led me to see why in a land of so much opportunity and wealth, that the living isnt so easy even when put in the nicest of towns with the highest of education. no matter how smart someone is what it all comes down to is how there people skills are. people skills are something that i never even thought of gaining, me being the shy and sarcastic person i was, normally angry for one reason or another altho i never really knew why~ but people skills is what i have gained and who knew it could start with such a small thing as lifeguarding at a theme park , but foreigners (or as we called them to be polite, the international) stand out. and that is what i first noticed at my first job when i was seventeen , they stuck out not only because they looked different but because they were the guards who were stuck in the corner doing the dirty jobs and speaking in what seemed then to be only a slew of sloppy sounding words. most of them looked liek they were either happy to be in america , lonely as lonely can get in a country which they were told "the ppl there will be really friendly" but first- handed, everything is different. noticing those "internationals" cleaning up the dirty shower and throwing away dirty diapers in a theme park is probably the best thing that ever happened to me ~for once it clicked in my mind that language is not a barrier , it is only the mere fact that the majority of americans dont give foreigners enough of a chance and the main and most crutial thing is that most americans are either unwilling or just dont understand how to get into the mind set of another ethnicity- which is something i am surprisingly,and extremely amazingly skilled at. perhaps if we took more time to understand these people then (although this is a stretch) each country could get along yet live their lives in peace in their own ways , which clearly, (if founded so long ago) is what they think in their minds the correct way and it something that someone shud never try to change. when i started to talk with all of the international guards i will admit that first i did think many of them were odd but then after stepping into their point of view i saw just how rude a lot of americans can be , and it is a rude that they dont notice which makes it worst of all, these ppl who come from these amazingly tight knit backrounds dont understand us, and if u look at it from their point also , i think that really i dont understand us anymore either, friendship and schooling being the main key component for almost every foreigner and then when they get here they can easily get their education but can they meet the right people? have i not spent a night talkin with a friend from saudi arabia saying "i just dont understand you people here, no one in my class will talk to me and all that i want are a few more friends, in my country everyone say hello" and what can i tell him about that other than the oh so comforting, well dont worry classes are the same way for me too

my life now revolves around my friends and they are such new friends but such stronger people than a good majority of the old. i love these friends because they have done something imperative for me. they have flipped the tables on me . i am now the minority everywhere i go. i hang out in a pack with a russian 2 saudis, a turkish girl, a bunch of italians and my friend liz. although having clearly seen the russian culture over last summer and dating a man straight from moldova i am still surprised at differences and yet also surprised at similarites between each culture. i now look forward to when we all meet up just as much as i looked forward to being able to help and only with body language order all of my russian friends meals by just looking at their faces and the pride that i am able to help them feel a little less cold and lonely in the world which they have been thrown into . a world where i am positive they have never seen so many people of different backrounds and a world which could be so scary for any one of us , itz just that americans dont know because our parents dont tell us to explore ,although they should. they figure we are in the best country where else is there for us to go.
but to become a more moral person and even , one could say, a more righteous person we must travel to another "world"
i have travelled to anotehr world many times being here at depaul, i have felt scared and alone , yet not nearly as bad as i imagine a foreinger would because even though i have been the minority at the italian and french party i just came home from , the indian party the other nite, and the saudis and turks at the restaurants downtown, i know that the people i am with are not looking after themselves , these people from these other countries can grasp morality perhaps better than i have ever seen my parents grasp it , all of them being very humbled and not looking after themselves but instead looking after all those around them to assure that they are in the most comfortable condition. cultures which dont consist of fending for yourself or looking the best in your new miniskirt, cultures that dont epitimize other peoples failures as the next best thing to you reaching the top but instead people who are able to value you and who you are, who show an interest in your studies and who are very concerned with sayin hello and goodbye and on top of that in an intimate way with a kiss on each cheek which makes an american feel almost taboo but yet so much more like a real human being who can truly be loved as a friend by others.
the tables are turned when i walk in and they are all shouting in italian and they are all saying that if u dont speak french or italian good luck to you but instead of saying it with true meaning they say it to you with a nudge and smirk and the american girl wants to melt right then and there not only because of all the good lookin italians but because they are clearly wearing the wrong thing , every1 else looking the same and every one else in black and leather boats , us standin out like a sore thumb , but instead the people are generally inviting and non critical only interested in gaining more wisdom on the matter
the tables are again turned when walking with two men from saudi of which some may be afriad and of which many would have never given a chance but upon meeting them gain an extraordinary view on how set they are to their ethnic backrounds and while still refusing to drink even though well over 21 but still obeying the rules of their country in ANOTHER country we can see just how much ethnic identity can shape a person, and the americans still blatantly obvious at a party of all indians , all of them dressed to the nines and dancing to "their music" while the lil americans try to pretend they fit in, no we dont get thrown out but instead we get strange looks.
and the worst part is not that we got looked at
the worst part is that these looks are different from the looks we give foreingers, the stares and glares of "are you a threat to us " or "you speak too slow and obviously are too dumb for us"
but instead these are stares towards us of hopes , hopes that we dont look down upon them, hopes that we cannot find fault with what they do and hopes that we too can accept their culture ,these hopes being painful when looked at into comparison with the looks and general feel of what we say about our lil buddies from ireland england russia saudi and the such so really an american at this day and age must wonder from the time they were born what power have i been given that allows me to look down upon others? this question is imperative and mainly because there either is no answer or the answer is within that absolutely NO ONE gave us the right to look down upon others, it was only something that grew with what we want to call "national pride"
i feel sick to call it this becuase to me the word pride means that i am truly proud of every movement we make and every thing that we think of others but clearly america will not be soon to collapse but we can only hope that america will be soon to be enlightened because our time of enlightening others has passed, and now we must make a plea to bring our egos down without hurting our economy. a task which may take hundreds of years , or which may never happen and we can only pray that never will america be a collapsed state but only a reformed state.